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The Latest Scoop on Kanye West and Julia Roberts in India

October 15, 2009

As you know, here at TBTS, we love celebrity gossip. In preparation for his weekly TalkRoach column on the latest Hollywood scuttlebutt, my dear friend Matt flips eagerly through the pages of US Weekly while on the elliptical machine, DVRs every one of the 14 nightly gossip shows hosted by Ryan Seacrest clones, and goes on a bi-weekly dig through Lindsey Lohan’s trash piles. He always comes out of that hellish morass dazed and disoriented, with cigarette butts in his hair and covered in a vague dusting of white powder, but the story is worth it.

You’ll be happy to know, dear readers, that Matt’s devotion is starting to influence the rest of us. As you’ve probably seen, Caleb has begun a series of Investigative Presumptions, wherein he shows such a fierce drive to get the story behind the story that he will happily make one up if he can’t find anything via intense Googling. Now, I have decided to join Matt and Caleb in solemnly pledging that I will spare no effort to bring you the latest news, whether it’s true or not, on your favorite famous people.

And here’s the great thing–respectable media outlets are jumping on that bandwagon even more quickly than I am!

From India, two recent cases in point: Julia Roberts and the production team of the upcoming movie Eat, Pray, Love may have angered many worshippers at Ashram Hari Mandir, near Delhi, by barring access to the temple at the start of an important annual religious celebration. Many mainstream media outlets, including the New York Times, ran this tidbit in late September, but conflicting accounts began to emerge shortly thereafter. It’s like Rashomon, my friends–there are no Truths, only Stories.

Via MSNBC.com’s The Scoop, I’ve also recently learned that Kanye West has decided to escape America’s doghouse (you may remember that he recently interrupted a white girl and deservedly became the most hated man in the country) and go to India. He’s definitely in India–how can you dispute the rock-solid MSNBC evidence that “India isn’t out of the realm of possibility” according to “some reports”?

Informed by that standard of journalistic excellence, I’m going to go one better and tell you what will happen in the next 48 hours.

1. The fake meditative journeys of Kanye West and Julia Roberts will intersect, and they’ll start hanging out. After all, they’re both Americans, and India’s a small place. They’re bound to run into each other.

2. Kanye will be shocked to discover that the locals were, and in fact still are, mad at Julia. He’ll find growing protests for Julia to apologize to the thwarted worshippers, wrap up the filming quietly and quickly, and donate a substantial portion of Eat, Pray, Love’s proceeds to various Indian charities.

3. It’ll be announced tomorrow that filming will have to be delayed for five days because Julia has just eaten three plates of vegetable vindaloo, Indian hot (over there, it’s just “hot”), and her digestive system has gone all “Runaway Bride” on her.

4. The announcement of the unforeseen, and massively unpopular, delay will spark massive demonstrations. There will be protest signs, Roberts puppets hung in effigy, and people with microphones leading chants of “Eat Pray SUCKS, Eat Pray SUCKS!”

5. Loaded on Bombay gin, Kanye will fan the flames by grabbing the main microphone during the rally and screaming, “Imma let you finish, Indian protesters, but Stepmom is one of the greatest movies of all time. OF ALL TIME!” This will make things worse, because if there’s one thing the citizens of India hate, it’s drunken non sequiturs.

So there you go, my curious darlings. I hope you’ve learned where you need to go for the gossipiest gossip on the planet. Your celebrity “news” is best delivered in a comforting swaddling of Brown Tweed. Especially if it’s patently untrue, you’ll always hear it here first.

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