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George Clooney Wants Fact-Based Journalism, Perpetual Motion Machine

October 16, 2009

Once again, George Clooney has been quoted LAMEnting (see what I did there?) the decline in the quality of journalism.  He says he understands that media companies face a lot of pressure to deliver profits to shareholders, but that that should be no excuse for relaxing standards of journalistic integrity, like “research,” “confirming sources,” and “not printing base innuendo as fact.”  Well, Mr. Pulitzer Prize, what qualifies you to speak on the subject?  Being intelligent; well-read; the son of a newsman; director of the brilliant, diligently-researched, Oscar-nominated journalism gem Good Night and Good Luck?  What’s next?  Woody Harrelson spreading facts about sustainable hemp production?  If I wanted actors’ opinions on stuff, I’d read interviews!  Which I do!

So G-Clo wants the media, especially its tabloid arm, to right the ship and do things like get information verified by two sources before it’s printed.  Well, Clooooney, what if I receive a juicy tidbit of gossip from an anonymous source (i.e. an unsolicited email from “Add Mor Inch$” pushing “Nude Clooney Pix!”)?  I’m just supposed to sit on that until I can find two people to say the photos are for real?  Isn’t it pretty much the same thing to know that you have probably been naked before, and photoshop your head on a body that sort of looks like yours?  I don’t see the harm in that.  If you do, perhaps you need to grow thicker skin.  Please realize that actors somehow give up any right to privacy, to the point where snaking tiny cameras up your toilet to snap pictures of your taint should be perfectly legal, buddy, and if you can’t handle that, well, you were the one who wanted to be on the big screen.

How about this: another source leaves me a cryptic, coded voicemail that says, “Dude, you’ve got to get down to McCarthy’s—Jeremy’s in town and we’re getting hammered!”  This obviously means that George Clooney was seen sneaking into a hotel bathroom with the Pussycat Dolls and emerged two hours later wearing one of their outfits.  I have to get that out before I get scooped, so I don’t have time to “confirm” the story by calling your agent or the hotel, either of whom might “debunk” my story by proving you weren’t even in that city at the time, but were in fact on camera doing a press junket for your newest socially-conscious movie.  (Note to aspiring tabloid writers:  never use the phone or internet to research or verify stories.  You might find information that contradicts your hearsay or challenges your world-view.)

Clooney, your fact-fetish is really disturbing.  If every story had to be rooted in truth, celebrity magazines would be nothing but “Clooney Seen in Car,” “Julia Roberts Takes Trash To Curb,” and “Bruce Willis Seems Like A Good Dad.”  Nobody makes money off that, especially you, who doesn’t make money off that anyway.

Tell you, what, Clowney.  I’ll give you a chance to comment on a tip I just got via text message (rephrased for security, of course).  We know you date lots of different chicks, but we didn’t know that it was because if you date the same woman for more than one month the crystal in your hand turns black and you will be hunted down and killed.  I have learned that you get around this with your current squeeze, Elisabetta Canalis, because she is one of a group of gorgeous identical nonuplets, all with the same DNA.  Now, if you can prove that Canalis isn’t one of a gaggle of hottuplets, I’ll consider scrapping the story.  But I’ll need it from two sources.

  1. Caleb permalink
    October 16, 2009 7:23 pm

    G-Clo. He he.

  2. October 16, 2009 11:09 pm

    I was particularly taken with the turn of phrase “gaggle of hottuplets” myself.

  3. G. Cloooonie permalink
    October 21, 2009 10:18 am

    Ya got me!


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