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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 17, 2009)

October 17, 2009

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Jennifer Aniston + John Mayer (or anybody):

George Clooney dates a lot of people, and he’s the quintessential bachelor, the man-about-town with the twinkling eye and rakish charm.  Rachel from Friends dates a lot of people, but she’s the pitiable lonely girl who can’t keep a man.  Nice double-standard.  Is it because Jen’s highest profile romances have ended with the dude supposedly giving her the heave-ho?  Maybe, but we have no idea who backed out of the Clooney-Ms. X relationships either.

Every time Aniston steps out with a new guy, the paparazzi are all over it—how long will this one last?  Is he the one?  Is Jen doomed to heartbreak again?  I wonder if the tabloids ever considered that maybe she’s having a great time dating some of the world’s most famous/best-looking men.  Or that they’re contributing to her “problem” by tailing her with photographer-filled SUVs and cramming cameras in her and her date’s faces when all they wanted is to try the empanadas at this cute little downtown bistro.  Also, we are led to believe that her frequent meetings with John Mayer bespeak desperation and a longing for forbidden love that cannot be.  Um, folks, have you heard of ex-sex?  Millions of people have it.  Have you heard of exes staying friends and hanging out from time-to-time, or even rekindling their relationship?  That also happens literally millions of times.  So let’s not go all Balloon-Boy every time Jen is seen in the company of men.

2.  Lindsay Lohan in Court/Rehab:

This is news like “Bill Gates Made More Money Today” is news.  If there is an extended period of time that goes by that I don’t think about LiLo (rare, thank goodness!), when I snap back to it I think to myself, “I wonder if she’s been in court lately?”  The answer, invariably, is yes.  She’s been there so many times she knows the metal detector operator by name: “Howdy, Kurt!” “Howdy, Linds!”  Her first big run-in was 2007 when she received 3 years probation after she “pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of cocaine, and no contest to two counts of drunken driving and one count of reckless driving.”  Since then she’s missed a few of her substance abuse treatment program classes because of work and stuff, but didn’t get punished because of “miscommunication.”   A judge yesterday, though, tacked another year onto her probation (after she was late to court) to let Lohan know that shit is serious now.

After some rehab, 84 minutes in jail, and several court appearances, Lohan is totally going to shape up and never do anything bad again.  After all, when you’re 23 and rich (or used to be), you think to yourself, “Man, if I don’t walk the straight and narrow, I might lose the ability to make my life wonderful and lucrative again!” Right?  Sure.  And Tracy Morgan will cease spouting profanity in public, and Amy Winehouse will get off the Crazy Train at the next station.  Let’s not take bets on if or when the next trip will be, but what for.

3. Guest Judges on Reality TV Shows:

This has gotten ridiculous.  Love or hate or don’t care about Ellen Degeneres filling Paula Abdul’s spot on American Idol; at least she’ll be there more than an episode.  On Idol alone this season, you’ll see Avril Lavigne, Katy Perry, Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Neil Patrick Harris, Shania Twain, Kristin Chenoweth, and Joe Jonas.  This list will certainly not end there.  So You Think You Can Dance has guest judges it seems like every episode, and you’ve never heard of them if you don’t keep up with Broadway and Hollywood choreography, which you don’t.  Project Runway sat guest judges Lindsay Lohan, Rebecca Romijn, Rachel Bilson, Eva Longoria Parker, and Christina Aguilera, among several others.  When everyone remotely related to the entertainment and/or fashion industry is a “special” guest judge, then no one is “special.”  Stay tuned for guest judge Joe the Plumber tearing apart an uninspired tango on Dancing With The Stars, guest tasting judge/bucket-filler Mr. Creosote on Hell’s Kitchen, and super-secret guest judge/MMA fighter Perez Hilton on Ultimate Fighter!

4. Oh, Did You Hear About Some Kid In A Balloon Or Something?:

I hear the story involves science, so I doubt it will gain any traction.

Thanks, entertainment media, for killing two birds with one stone and making Lindsay Lohan the Extra-Special Guest Judge for her own next probation hearing!

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