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The Gosselin-Suleman Gossip Singularity: Nadya Crushes on Jon

October 21, 2009

Once in a great while two or more super-dense streams of scuttlebutt converge with such force that they create a prattle point so nonsensical that not even incredulity can escape.  This, my friends, is called a Gossip Singularity, and we observed one (indirectly) yesterday.

The Gosselin-Suleman Gossip Singularity (GSGS) formed when Nadya Suleman, more popularly known as Octo-Mom, told, “I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin.  I think he’s hot!”  At that instant, the fabric of reality TV began to tear at even the possibility of  Jon and Nadya Plus Fourteen Plus Eight.  If united, the Jonya Gosseman family would boast 22 kids, more than even the Duggar family.  Get to work, Jim Bob and Michelle!

Around the GSGS forms a Media Black Hole, which would devour all broadcast slots and media punditry.  No more Lady Gaga.  No more Lindsay Lohan.  No more Megan Fox, if you can believe it.  Can you imagine a world without Megan Fox?  That’s no world I’d want to live in!  All that would exist is Jon and Nadya, and their almost two dozen adorable, rambunctious children.

At the edge of the Media Black Hole, too close to escape the GSGS but too far to away be sucked in, would be the Event Horizon, the line between Jonya news and all other happenings in the world.  This is where tangentially-related Jonya stories (debates over multiple births and parenting styles, Nancy Grace wondering why she isn’t getting more airtime in a Jonya-dominated world, Jonya Christmas Specials) would reside forever, zooming around and around for all eternity, until the universe succumbs to the Heat Death.

Yes, we would eventually cease to exist on this plane, but not everything would be soul-crushingly bleak.  Imagine the possibilities with 22 children:

  1. Two full soccer teams.  The kids are pretty young, so we could watch an amorphous human blob (I’m not talking about Jon) follow a soccer ball until at some point, through sheer randomness, the ball squirts in a goal.  Since the opposing squads are all either Gosselins or Sulemans, everyone cheers, the kids eat orange slices at half-time, and the gang goes to Pizza Hut after the game.
  2. Unless they get sucked into the other black hole of the Alternative Minimum Tax, devised by creatures far more cruel and intelligent than any human, Gosseman would never pay income tax again.  (There are problems with this theory, but the explanation is too technical—and hilarious!—to describe here.)
  3. By the time the oldest child reaches college age, the average cost for in-state tuition at a public university will be literally $1 scrillion.  Jon and Nadya would have to take 7 jobs each in addition to their TV revenue to make ends meet.  By sheer number, several of these jobs would have to involve zaniness and insanity.
  4. Each lunch would consist of 100 peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches and 50 glasses of milk.  Probably 10 glasses would be spilled and cleaned with only one sheet of Bounty, The Quicker-Picker-Upper.  (We will not know until the future, though, that Bounty has created an eJonomy-sized roll for multiple-birth families, with each sheet the size of a construction tarp.)
  5. For fun, the couple could number the children hexadecimally, with six lucky kids getting letters for their numbers.  Each episode, viewers could text their votes for Favorite Lovable Scamp: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, a, b, c, d, e, f, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, or 16!

To be honest, neither physicists nor entertainment commentators know what would happen if the Gosselin-Suleman Gossip Singularity were to occur.  Right now, this is the stuff of science fiction and wild theoretical speculation.  Engineers are working hard to repair the Large Hadron Collider to study the phenomenon, however, so that we may be prepared when it happens.  If you believe in the Many Worlds Theorem, somewhere it already has.

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