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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 24, 2009)

October 24, 2009

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Celebrity Breakups:

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel; Jamie Kennedy and Jennifer Love Hewitt; Rosie O’Donnell and Kelli Carpenter—anytime a couple is seen in public not groping and tonguing each other, or at least holding hands, there are problems in the relationship.  According to an anonymous source, there have been for a while: “(Less famous of the couple) is jealous because (more famous of the couple) has been hanging out with (attractive co-star) a lot, and it looks more than friendly.  (More famous) is getting tired of being checked up on all the time.”  Add a still-shot of one of the couple hugging or even walking close to another person, especially at a club or party, and it’s on—“(Person) Caught Cheating!” will be the headline on the cover of Star magazine the next day.

Why is this not news, besides the obvious?  Because when asked for comment, the celebrities’ reps will never, ever, ever confirm the rumor unless there is incontrovertible evidence of it:  “There is absolutely no truth to this.  (Famous person) and (famous person) are doing fine and could not be happier.”  Even if they are on the rocks, one or two public tiffs do not a break-up make.  For realz, tho, Jessica.  If JT isn’t giving you the time you need, call me!

2. Jodie Sweetin Was A Strung-Out Drug Addict:

Full House middle child Jodie Sweetin released her tell-all autobiography of sorts, unSweetined.  If you are dying to buy it and see what kinds of messes a young TV star could get herself into, you really haven’t been conscious for the last 30 years.  Some details aside, she has the same stories every child star has: alcohol and coke-fueled partying in Los Angeles and Los Vegas, updated with meth and Ecstasy; scummy “friends” who mooch off her and steal her stuff; struggles with addiction and recovery.  I haven’t read and won’t read the book, but don’t be surprised if there are shocking revelations about Full House behind-the-scene escapades, involving more debauchery.  (If some of that stuff isn’t in there, I’d be disappointed.)  The problem for Jodie is that this doesn’t seem to break any new ground in celebrity self-exposés.  It comes right on the heels of a real whopper, Mackenzie Phillips’ High on Arrival, which from its synopses details even more drug use, and incest.  Unless Sweetin can come up with some stuff that would shock even the followers of Drew Barrymore’s early meltdown, unSweetined will end up in the remainder pile pretty quickly.

3.  Scott Weiland’s Drug Abuse:

Another book, this one by Mary Forsberg Weiland, recounts lots of drug use with her husband, Stone Temple Pilots lead singer Scott Weiland.  Similar to unSweetined above, this should not be news to anyone.  He was frontman for one of the most popular rock bands of the 90s.  That’s what rock bands do, get smashed everyday and use entire posh hotel rooms as toilets.  It would be weird if he wasn’t constantly wrecked.  Luckily for the tabloids, Weiland didn’t disappoint.  Check out his Wikipedia entry, where everything is true™: the guy has been arrested on drug-related charges and has been in rehab more times than I’ve been to rock concerts.  Call me when Josh Groban gets pinched for doing blow off Miley Cyrus’ stomach backstage at next year’s Teen Choice Awards.

4.  Swine Flu:

Unless you have no other option, please please stay home if you’ve got the flu.  And don’t handle every damn bit of produce after you’ve just hacked a lung into your hand.

Thanks, entertainment media, for trying to elevate celebrity drug problems to world-changing international events!

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