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Nicaligulas Cage, Spending His Way to Ruin and Forcing a TBTS Retraction

November 5, 2009

As featured in this morning’s Entertation Index, Nicolas Cage is in severe financial distress after years of an extravagant lifestyle better suited for a sultan or a Roman emperor. It would be understandable if he were prepping for the title role in a Caligula remake, but no—he was dropping mad money just because he could. Cage’s one-note acting style and his absurdly long face had somehow made him bankable and put millions into his coffers, and he was gonna live exactly the way he wanted.

One problem: he wanted to live like a billionaire, not a mere multimillionaire.  The Daily Beast’s article examines his ridiculous lifestyle, fitting of the gluttonous self-destruction he depicted so “well” in Leaving Las Vegas, in vivid detail.

But that’s actually not why I’m returning to Nicaligulas Cage on the same day he earned the much-sought-after Entertation Index Seal of Attention. Instead, my conscience demands that I offer a retraction of my earlier argument that the Huffington Post headline “Nicolas Cage is Millions in Debt” was incorrect or at least misleading. In retrospect, now that the full story of Cage’s profligacy has emerged, the earlier headline obviously had it right.

As you know, dear readers, TBTS strives to live up to high standards of journalistic adequacy. When it suits us, we’ll totally admit when we get something wrong. This is one of those times. You’re welcome.

In the interest of not, yet again, speaking too soon on the saga of Nicaligulas Cage, I’ll offer only one other comment. Cage’s wild spending on ridiculous cars, animals, and ice-sculpture-laden Christmas parties is regrettable but unsurprising. Who on the receiving end of his largess would have discouraged him? No one, of course.

But since he’s never bought me a diamond-encrusted toothbrush or a Yeti skull, I will step in and encourage Nicaligulas to tone it down a little. Save your pennies, buddy. And when you’ve rebuilt your fortune a little, hang on to it. Learn from your mistakes and don’t fall back into your old patterns. Hire Suze Orman to badger you into frugality if you have to.

Unless, of course, you get a wild urge to hire the “opening a wine bottle with a shoe” guy and the “drunkest guy ever goes for more beer” guy to be your personal court jesters. THOSE would be wise expenditures.

2 Comments
  1. Tony Mendocino permalink
    November 5, 2009 8:11 pm

    Great “Nic” name for H.I.

    Do you think all of his bizarre behavior stems from Cameron Crowe cutting out all of his scenes from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”? For some reason, he is resurrected in the TBS version.

    Kind of like my theory that Jose Canseco’s freakishness is owed to his frustration at not getting to play in the 1986 All-Star Game.

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