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If Hollywood is Any Gauge, Then I Have, Apparently, Vastly Underestimated the Number of People Who Film Themselves Having Sex

November 10, 2009

People Magazine is running a story today dealing with singer and actress Jennifer Lopez’ suddenly-public argument with ex-husband and former Miami waiter Ojani Noa, whom she is suing for $10 million after Noa began looking for a distributorship for his video How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J. Lo and Ojani Noa Story. The video, which Lopez claims the mere exposure of has violated a confidentiality clause she and Noa have had in place since 2004, reportedly shows footage of Noa “spanking” J. Lo on their honeymoon night.

This leads to three revelations for me. First, this Noa fellow must have huge hands. Secondly, how many times has Jennifer Lopez been married? And finally, and perhaps most importantly, is the fact that if Hollywood is any microcosm of society, roughly two-thirds of America is routinely filming its sexual exploits and hiding it. It seems that every week sees a new celebrity sex tape leaked to the public, and always from unlikely sources — this week alone not only sees J. Lo’s tape coming to light, but it also sees Carrie Prejean facing her own video allegations and the past month has seen en flagrante performances by Rebecca Gayheart, Gossip Girl‘s Leighton Meester and Lorenzo Lamas’ Playboy Playmate ex-wife Shauna Sand. And these are only the most recent celluloid indiscretions. We’ve seen, in the past, videos from Paris Hilton, Kid Rock, Scott Stapp, Kim Kardashian, Rob Lowe, Verne Troyer and Dustin Diamond. And that’s only scratching the surface.

But what exactly is the “celebrity sex tape?” Is it a desperate plea for attention or an extension of egotism? One one hand, the celebrity sex tape is traditionally seen “leaked” of actors and actresses who could use a little boost (see: Tonya Harding, Survivor’s Jenna Lewis). But Jennifer Lopez isn’t exactly a third-tier celebrity. And rumors have persisted for quite a while concerning the possibility of a Tom Brady/Giselle Bundchen tape. Psychologically, the sex tape phenomenon could point to several conclusions:

1. The subject is desperate for any attention he or she can get. Joanie Laurer, for example. You may know the former wrestler as “Chyna,” but her career was well over when her tape was released. Not that it helped. The next time anyone saw Laurer was when she reappeared on Celebrity Rehab. Not exactly a return to stardom. Same goes for Saved By the Bell’s Dustin Diamond.

2. Viral video and rumor mills keep people talking about the subject. No one has mastered this more than Pamela Anderson. At this point, there’s a rumored or confirmed sex tape floating about Pamela Anderson and roughly every person she’s ever met. It’s practically part of her honeymoon schedule these days. But to be fair, Anderson isn’t at the top of the modeling heap anymore, and her countless risky vids help her to remain a part of late-night monologues and internet searches.

3. The subject has no real reason to have a tape associated with them, so the tape’s mere existence proves narcissism. I mean, come on. Leighton Meester is on one of the most popular teen dramas on television. So why would the Gossip Girl star even risk videotaped sex — in the prime of her popularity? And what would make Paris Hilton think that preserving her romance with noted sleazeball Rick Salaman on film would be something she’d revisit fondly? It’s straight-up look-at-me-ism. Congrats, gals. The camera loves you. Too bad that trucker-hat wearer behind the lens doesn’t.

The celebrity sex tape, in 2009, isn’t even really a scarlet letter anymore. It’s quickly released and forgotten. It doesn’t even hurt the subject’s reputation — Vanessa Hudgens still showed up at the Nicklodeon Kids Choice Awards this year, despite racy pictures perpetuated on the internet of the High School Musical star. Not only was Hudgens a children’s star, but a kid herself. Water under the bridge, apparently!

Who will be the next to release a sex tape? Lindsay Lohan? Courtney Cox? Mike Wallace? Just think, for a second, how many people are paying great money to keep theirs quiet. Eventually, the money will run out, the dirtbag holding said tape will get greedy, or the subject will suddenly need a little extra press. Then we’ll hear about it. And the true testimonial to the boundless superficiality of Hollywood is that, as the dozens of celebrity sex tapes to come before, it won’t even mean anything — it’s just another moment on camera, being wanted, being needed, and feeling loved and special. And that’s something you just can’t get from a Hallmark card that plays Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration.”

5 Comments
  1. November 11, 2009 11:09 am

    Reportedly the NFL has reviewed the Brady/Bundchen tape and will fine Brady for unsportsmanlike conduct for a hit in which he was reportedly leading with the helmet.

  2. November 11, 2009 12:13 pm

    Why do we call these sex ‘tapes’ still? Sex DVDs maybe? Sex Videos? Tommy Lees?

  3. Derek permalink
    November 18, 2009 12:34 pm

    Actually Chyna has done a lot since her sex tape was released. She actually went to a treatment center for drug abuse (before Celebrity Rehab) and got her life together. She did a movie with Anna Nicole called, “Illegal Aliens”, then a movie with Faye Dunaway called “The Cougar Club”. She was on a season of “The Surreal Life Fame Games” and was featured on Entertainment Tonight and Larry King Live several times.

    Then she did Celebrity Rehab. Now she has a book out called, “Paper Doll” which is an amazon.com best seller, she just finished another movie and was signed to her own TV deal by E!

  4. February 12, 2014 5:46 pm

    You have to try 3single com. There you can talk to amateur women who look like your neighbor. Have fun :)

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