Skip to content

TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending November 14, 2009)

November 14, 2009

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Lindsay Lohan Looks Tired:

    Citing two photos taken at a party recently, Huffington Post asked “Why Does Lindsay Lohan Look So Tired?”  Luckily, a poll accompanies the “story” and has the option “She doesn’t look tired, she looks great!”  You wouldn’t have guessed that from the headline, but whatevs!  (By the way, only about 1 out of 6 people so far had chosen that one.)

    Why might she be tired?  Maybe being engaged in a public war of words with both your parents, one who’s an ex-felon who tried to sell voicemails and other private recordings to gossip mags, and one who seems to have your back but publicly airs your dirty laundry and chastises you for your behavior, would do it.  Maybe worrying about a sister who seems to be taking your same path and can’t rely on her parents for support and guidance would do it.  Maybe having cameras shoved in your face 24 hours a day waiting for your next nip-slip or emerging-from-a-car upskirt would do it.  Maybe being slammed by designer Emanuel Ungaro for a fashion line you designed for the company he doesn’t own anymore would do it.  (Note to Mr. Ungaro: Lindsay’s an actress, not a designer.  Let’s see you play a convincing part in Mean Girls, and it can’t be a pissy fashionista.)  If Lindsay Lohan looks tired, it’s probably because she is tired, of being a cash cow milked by everyone close to her then discarded when the udder runs dry.  Welcome to fame.

    2. Josh Duhamel Had or Didn’t Have Extra-marital Sex:

      This one really refuses to die.  Nicole Forrester, an exotic dancer at an Atlanta strip club, claims that she had lots of sex with Fergie’s husband and Transformers star Josh Duhamel.  He, of course, calls the allegations ridiculous.  However, the story is just too juicy to fact check, and simply must be reported.  She claims that she got and still gets text messages from Duhamel, so it should be pretty easy to identify the originating party.  On second though, don’t do that: if that doesn’t pan out, it might cast doubt on a tale that could be morning radio show fodder for a few weeks or even a couple months.

      If the story didn’t involve a stripper, a lot fewer people would care.  This sort of thing fits right into the famous dude/star-banging stripper narrative.  I mean, that’s what strippers are supposed to do right?  That’s what the Champagne Room is for, right?  And for the right price, maybe you could do that at the next bachelor party you attend right?  No on all accounts, at least no more so than the population at large.  If you had the chance to sleep or not sleep with a great-looking famous person, and were then offered a lot of money to give interviews about it whether you did or didn’t, would you?  I wager that the percentage of hands that just went up is about the same as that of strippers who sleep with customers and tell, true or no.  (By the way, this happened to me: I did not sleep with Shakira, and I have not given paid interviews about our steamy non-trysts.)  As long as Josh and Fergie navigate this crap in a manner suiting them, everyone else should be fine with it, too.

      3.  Liz Hurley’s Vodka and 1-Meal A Day Diet:

        Yesterday Tomlin filled you in on Elizabeth Hurley’s non-traditional means of keeping her shape.  Or maybe it’s traditional.  After all, actresses do and eat (or not eat) crazy things!  Actually, lots of people go on weird diets.  Remember the Atkins Diet, where you didn’t eat carbs for, like, ever, watched the pounds melt away by eating hamburgers and bacon, then got intestinal problems and sometimes died?  Remember the grapefruit juice diet; or the lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper diet?  Or eat-mostly-what-you-want, just-avoid-lots-of-fats Alli diet, the weight loss drug which allows you to crap yourself acceptably in public?  And what about my early 20s diet of whiskey and beer, cigarettes, and cottage cheese, which gave me a slender figure and breathing problems?  So who needs regular exercise and proper nutrition when you can glam it up like Liz with a Stoli and sandwich a day?

        4.  Health Care:

          Seriously, this is still going on?  I’m going to take a nap until SEC football comes on.

          Thanks, entertainment media, for giving us a new foolproof, cirrhosis-inducing fad diet!

          Comments are closed.

          %d bloggers like this: