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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending November 21, 2009)

November 21, 2009

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Pitt, Jolie Now Not Fighting:

I assume some of you have patronized a grocery store or other business establishment that has checkout lines which feature king-sized Snickers (do regents eat candy bars?), phone cards, and tabloid magazines.  You know, then, that Brad and Angelina have been fighting, like, forever.  The National Enquirer, Star, Globe, Weekly News, Us, OK!, and others say so, thus it is undeniably true.  They employ Body Language Specialists and Psychologists and Experts and stuff to break down every frame of video and every still shot to tell us why we still need to be interested in Brangelina.

Here’s why: Brad has been sneaking visits to Jen.  Angelina has been sneaking visits to Jen.  Brad is getting tired of adding people to the household.  Angelina wants Brad to get back in shape.  Brad wants Angelina to revert to her otherworldly freakiness.  Brad has supradermal strombolis and has only three months to live, and still hasn’t had his Beyonce/Shakira threesome, and Angelina wants in so that would make it a foursome, which is totally not Brad’s fantasy.  The two have been battling bitterly for so long that we can no longer remember when they enjoyed each other’s company.  In fact, it’s quite possible they never loved each other, and their marriage and family and philanthropy and stuff have been a lengthy publicity stunt for Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2: The Dodging of Projectiles.

Well suck on this, haters.  Brad and Angelina were in public, at a gala, together, not fighting.  And these pictures are proof.  Ironclad, incontrovertible proof.  The click of a camera shutter, capturing literally hundredths of a second of their placid outing, showed no screaming, no hair pulling, no drink throwing.  Just mildly disinterested gazing at some walls and art.  By appearing for a few hours at each other’s side without mutual punchings, a husband and wife have finally put to rest the rumors of relationship turmoil.  Long live Brangelina.  All hail the rekindling of their romantic fire.

2. Chaz Bono Is A Dude:

Lots of folks get sex change operations.  But only one of them was Sonny and Cher’s child.  Which is why people care.  Born Chastity, Chaz Bono has been doing the talk show circuit to explain his reasoning, recount his experience (still ongoing), and raise awareness of gender identity in general.  As you can imagine, Chaz is getting a lot of crap from a lot of people who think that his decision is wrong and unnatural.  A lot of those same people have no problem with other “unnatural” medical procedures, as long as boobs are enlarged and aging bing-bongs once again function like a teenager’s (against God’s will, to paraphrase Patton Oswalt).  Like lots of these types of issues, it’ll be a big deal when it’s not a big deal.  The only problem any of us should have with his decision is the choice of the name “Chaz.”

3. New Moon Is Popular:

The next film installment in the Twilight Saga, New Moon, debuted at midnight Friday in lots of places.  Given that it has been the most talked-about movie-media-marketing phenomenon in recent memory, nothing about this film should be a surprise to anyone, anywhere.  It will make garbage barge-loads of cash (henceforth known as a “garbload”), certainly in the top five all-time.  Its intended audience will love it.  Critics will hate it.  Film writers: no one gives a shit about reviews when it comes to a movie like this.  It will be filled with overwrought acting; sappy, syrupy emotion and dialogue; and crappy special effects, given the budget.  Just like movies for adults!

4. Some Guy Touched a Ball With His Hands:

Ireland’s pretty bummed about France’s blatant “handball” (tee-hee!), which led to a goal that knocked Ireland out of the World Cup and got France in.  The problem is having a rule that says you can’t use your hands, people.

Thanks, entertainment media, for allowing me to sleep soundly knowing that Brangelina is back on when no one really thought Brangelina was off!

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