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Justin Bieber Will Pwn You At Xbox 360, And Already Owns Your Sister

November 23, 2009

Last Friday, a 3000-strong horde of screaming tweens and their parents—OK, their moms—went crazy when the event they’d been waiting for failed to occur.  Not the premiere of New Moon.  That’s so Thursday.  This was to be the 4 PM Friday, Roosevelt Field mall CD-signing by 15-year-old Canadian R&B/pop crossover sensation Justin Bieber.  By 2:30 PM, though, Newsday reports that “the crowds had grown unruly with aggressive pushing and shoving… Thirty-five police units from Nassau County and Garden City were called in to control the throng.”  The tween swarm became so thick and kinetic that local authorities cancelled the event due to safety concerns, which set off the mob.  Five people were taken to hospitals with minor injuries, which most likely included scratches, hair pulls, and severe swoons.  The carnage at Abercrombie Kids (who unfortunately become Abercrombie Adults) and Justice when the scene cleared must have been unimaginable.

Someone has to pay for this, and it looks like it might be James Roppo, a senior VP at Island Def Jam Records, Bieber’s label.  Police say that Roppo failed to cooperate with their crowd-control efforts by not tweeting that the appearance was cancelled.  Really.  The guy was arrested for criminal nuisance, endangering the welfare of a minor and obstructing government administration, all charges no one has ever heard of, for not tweeting “@tweens: OMG!  Y’all settle, cuz ur getting too hyper.  Police going to shut down JB apeerance!”  In the crazy, wild-West anarchy of the internet, this may be the first time someone has been arrested for not tweeting.  Meanwhile, hundreds of people walk around unarrested for the useless, vapid, misspelled crap they do tweet.  It’s a strange world.

Speaking of brave new worlds, if you don’t know who Justin Bieber is, consider yourself a mark-ass buster.  Just watch the video for “One Time,” a hit single from his CD My World, and you’ll understand why he’s so popular.  Because Justin Bieber, a 15-year-old, white, middle-to-upper class Canadian, is hard-core.  He grew up (and will continue to grow, until the end of puberty) on the mean streets of Strat-town.  Stratford-on-Avon?  Hell to the no.  We’re talking about The Bieb, not the Bard, muthafucka.   Stratford, Ontario, straight from the CA (Canada).  He talks light smack while pwning his friend at X-Box.  He wears a hoodie.  He bounces around and thoes his hands up.  He wears a ball-cap high on his head, slightly cocked.  He spits lines like “Whatevah you want shawty I give it to you,” as easily as he recites the first ten elements of the periodic table, which he learned last week.  Bieber is so hard-core that, if you’ll notice in the video, he allows skateboards and stereo equipment near Usher’s pool, both of which are major safety hazards.  But J-Biebs gives a big “fuck you” to safety, because J-Biebs just don’t give a fuck.  Gangsta.

Laugh at Justin Bieber if you want.  You didn’t cause a 3000-person riot by not showing up to a mall.  With the release of My World, it does indeed appear to be his world, and we’re all just living in it.  God help us.

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