The TBTS Investigative Presumption™: Adam Lambert, Who’s Your Daddy?

December 9, 2009

by Caleb

That Adam Lambert, he’s a sneaky devil. He sucked us into his little glam-fisted world as a contestant on Star Search…um, American Idol (sorry about that I always get those two mixed up, Paula Abdul reminds me so much of Ed McMahon you know), and he almost won. I wonder what kind of prizes they give to runners-up? A microwave? A throw-rug? A double-headed…sorry I’m tangentizing again. The reason for my distraction is that I’ve spent the last couple of days at stately Brown Tweed manor with my good friend Internet. What have I been doing, you ask? Well, only solving the MOST PERPLEXING MYSTERY KNOWN TO MAN! You know what that is, right? No? Oh lawd, pop a squat my friend and let me lay some truth on you. And yes, by “truth” I mean “conclusions drawn from completely unrelated facts that are loosely connected by my ever-degrading mind”.

So anyway, I know ya’ll been hearing my boy Internet make a big fuss about Adam Lambert’s recent homosexual hijinx right? If not, go visit Lloyd’s recap here and catch up with the rest of the world. Ever since his ill-fated AMA performance, Monsieur Lambert has had some difficulty getting back on TV, at least on ABC. In response, Lambert accused ABC of censorship, having a double-standard, and homophobia. It appeared at first as if the glam-banger was going to fight for his right to simulate oral sex on prime-time network TV. Then, all of the sudden, Glambert tweeted that he was taking another look at how he presents himself and that he wants to “focus back on the music.” What? How did the unrepentant king of kink suddenly get all Kanye-after-the-VMA’s? That’s the mystery friends, and once I recognized the enigma I was determined to solve it.

In order to adequately explain Mr. Fancy Pants’ actions, we’ll need to travel half-way across the globe to Surrey, England, home of The Rolling Stone’s very own animated cadaver and guitar player Ronnie Wood. I’m not sure how many of you know that Wood is sixty-two (that’s 62) years old and that he has a twenty-one (yep 21) year old girlfriend from Russia named Ekaterina Ivanova. Not too long ago, Wood was arrested for physically assaulting his mail-order sweetheart after a night out on the town. After checking him for a pulse, police dragged the former Faces guitarist to jail, where he was bailed out the next day. Immediately upon leaving jail, Wood broke up with Ivanova and reportedly kicked her out of his home.

What does all this have to do with ALam? Let’s think about this, shall we? First off, we all know that Ronnie Wood is a sick, boozing pus-filled blister of a man who I doubt has a sixpence to his name. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself why he would be trying to organize a Faces reunion without the most recognizable Face of them all, Rod Stewart. Dude, Wood is straight up po. So, given his beleaguered finances, how did homeboy get outta jail? You guessed it (just like me): Lambert-ghini. The next question is why would the little guy want to bail out a past-his-prime girlfriend-abuser? It’s simple, genius. Using my keen powers of intellect to connect dots that no one else can see but me, I have discovered that Adam Lambert is really the love child of Ronnie Wood and Mick Jagger. That’s right, using some weird science that would make Thomas Beaty cringe, Mick and Ron managed to turn what seemed at first like a drunken night of debauchery into the beginnings of a Star Search almost-champion.

How do I know this? Well, take a look at their pics.

One more time.

If you can’t spot that resemblance, then I bet you’d have a hard time figuring out who this is.

Now that you know the secret of Lamberto Mussolini’s heritage, the rest of the pieces kind of fall into place, no? Lambert secretly brings daddy back to the States, where he knows that he’ll have to support Ronnie’s massive drug and booze habit. Baby boy realizes that he needs to make some more cash fast, and thumbing his nose (and other body parts) at the networks isn’t really helping his pocketbook any. So, he decides to make nice to keep the green stuff flowing while he tries to figure out what to do with Darth Vader.

I’d like to thank the Internet for providing me with the tools to solve this perplexing problem and some well-timed email spam for feeding my paranoia to the point where I actually think this scenario is possible. Also, I couldn’t have done it without my good friend Lack of Sleep, who always to make the zaniest things sound completely plausible. Now please excuse me while I go back to work on my latest “Jon Gosselin uses body language to take photos of Lady Gaga as a child while Miley Cyrus uses rubber band facial piercings to communicate with Missoula hobos” theory.