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Kendra Wilkinson, Mother of the Ruler of the World

December 11, 2009

Near the end of Ghostbusters II (#3 on the list of all-time greatest movies featuring pink slime), the weaselly Dr. Janosz Poha tries to persuade Dana Barrett (played by Sigourney Weaver) that it will be a good thing when Vigo the Carpathian steals her baby’s soul and possesses his infant body. Poha says,

[Your baby] has been chosen to be the vessel of the spirit of Vigo, and you, Dana, will be the mother of the ruler of the world. Doesn’t that sound nice?

But of course, that doesn’t happen. Bill Murray’s character Peter Venkman saves the day by killing Vigo with a lethal dose of wryness, and Sigourney’s rugrat and all of humanity are saved.

However, I tremble to say that our real-life future overlord, who will reign in terror and blood for 1,000 years, has in fact arrived this week. The mother of the little Vigo demon baby is, of course, former Playboy playmate and Hugh Hefner hospice nurse—I mean, girlfriend—Kendra Wilkinson.

To convince you of the inevitability of this outcome, just look at everything that is coming to an end during the week in which Hank Baskett IV (or, as we will one day be forced to call him, Scromunculus) was born:

1. CBS cancels As the World Turns (after more than 50 years on the air).

2. Diane Sawyer leaves Good Morning America (after more than 50 years spent on her hair).

3. Two outstanding publications, Editor and Publisher and Kirkus Reviews, are given the axe by their parent company (they will be missed).

4. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny files for divorce (he will be dissed…but still won’t resign).

5. They folks behind Flight of the Conchords decide not to bring the cult-fave HBO comedy back for a third season (but at least they went out on top).

6. Tiger Woods’ image and marketability continue to plummet, and his status as a widely admired sports and cultural icon is almost certainly lost forever (but at least he went out “on top”).

I could probably go on, but suffice to say that there are many things coming to an end just as Kendra’s offspring enters our world. As we know according to the law of conservation of energy, energy can neither be created or destroyed, but at most changed from one form to another. So the endings detailed above are simultaneously releasing great cosmic energy—some of it positive and creative, much of it negative and destructive—and little Hank is now here to absorb it all.

Like an investment account that grows over time, this principal energy will grow inside little Hank and will compound during his childhood. The only life he will ever know will be filled with a) the vacuity and self-absorption of his mother, and b) reality TV cameras. I’m sure the ink is already drying on an E! Network series devoted to Kendra’s trials as a mother—good thing she’s already gotten lots of diaper-changing practice during her time with the Hef.

As Hank grows into adolescence and young adulthood, the energy he absorbed at his birth—on the cusp of a major cyclical shift from endings to beginnings, as demonstrated above—will be transformed into raging and frightfully powerful anger as a result of the wrongs of his childhood. He will find solace in, and become the charismatic leader of, a group of famous-for-the-wrong-reasons reality TV kids, namely the Gosselin and Octomom spawn.

This ruthless, angry cabal will consolidate more and more power in the middle of the 21st century, as government, media, and the private sector fully merge to form a giant military-technological-infotainment complex that wields vast influence over every sector of the economy and the society. In 2055, Hank Baskett IV, having risen to the vertiginous apex of this pyramid of command and control, will finally squelch all internal opposition and declare himself the ruler of the world.

Just as Octavius became Augustus, and Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader, so too will Hank Baskett IV become Scromunculus. And we will all bow.

His mother, Kendra, will be at his side. By that point a power-mad horror show of mostly synthetic and robotic parts masked by a thin layer of organic matter, Kendra will wield substantial authority behind the scenes. Among her other preoccupations, the mother of Scromunculus will hand down genocidal orders against all natural blondes, as well as the descendants of Hugh Hefner’s 3,000 other girlfriends. Those poor bastards are toast.

As Janosz Poha said in Ghostbusters II , “There are many perks to being the mother of a living god.”

2 Comments
  1. Christopher Porter permalink
    December 11, 2009 1:55 pm

    “Vertiginous apex.” Very nice. Very nice, indeed.

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