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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending December 12, 2009)

December 12, 2009

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Tiger Woods’ Latest Mistress:

I honestly hate to write anything else about Woodsie, but I feel I must.  The media’s new obsession with uncovering every single one of Tiger’s extramarital partners, now with no concern for accuracy, is ridiculous.  I have actually seen stories with the headline “Tiger’s Alleged 10th Mistress!”  Yes, “alleged.”  All that’s needed, apparently, is for a new waitress or aspiring (porn) actress to say she had a wild night with Tiger, and it’s news.  Or maybe news agencies are just trolling message boards for the phrase “he was a tiger in bed,” offer a couple thousand bucks for an exclusive interview, and bam!  Mistress #11.  Everyone’s decided the guy’s a piece of crap, so at that point it’s totally OK if the tabloids get a few wrong, right?  Right?

Is there really much difference between 10 mistresses and 11?  Or two and three, for that matter?  The biggest qualitative difference is between one and two, because then it seems more about gettin’ some on the side than the alienation of one’s affections.  Wait, I’m wrong here.  The biggest difference is between zero mistresses and one.  To Elin Nordegren, though, it’s probably all the same: shitty.

2. Tiger Woods’ First Mistress:

I really do hate to write more about the Woods thing, but I feel I must.  The OG mistress, Rachel Uchitel, is reportedly upset that Tiger had other mistresses.  How many times must this be said: if he cheated on his wife with you, what makes you think he’s not going to cheat on you with someone(s) else?  I know, I know, he told you he was going to leave her soon, and he really feels connected to you, and you’re the only person who really understands him and blah blah blah.  I could see if you were some naïve young ingénue, seduced by a charming, rakish lothario into thinking you were the only one.  But honey, you were/are a “Las Vegas … nightclub hostess and VIP coordinator.”  You see this same situation play out dozens of times a week, and you thought it would be different for you?  No sympathy here.

3. Tiger Woods’ Missed Rest:

Seriously, no majors in 2009?  And losing the PGA after leading for three rounds?  Maybe he should have taken a little more time to recuperate from knee surgery.  (Yes, that was a big lead-in for a terrible pun, but what do you want?  This is a free website.  You get what you pay for.  Come by next Saturday for something better.)

4. UK Basketball Rises From The Ashes:

I can’t even pretend not to be excited about this.  In the Bluegrass, war, recession, and health care all pale in comparison, for better or worse (OK, worse), to the resurrection of our beloved college basketball program.  All hail John Wall and the rest of our awesome recruiting class!  All hail Patrick Patterson!  All hail John Calipari!  Now win us a friggin’ championship this year or find someone who can.

Thanks, entertainment media, for making me write about Tiger Damn Woods!

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