Axe Sued For Not Causing Assault By Beautiful Women. Beer, Cigarettes Next?

If you have ever used an Axe body product and not immediately been mobbed and publicly molested by beautiful women, you should consider legal action.  Twenty-six-year-old Vaibhav Bedi has.  He filed suit against Unilever, parent company of Lynx cosmetics (marketed as Axe in India), saying, “the company cheated me because in its advertisements, it says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe. I used it for seven years but no girl came to me.”

If you watch television, you’ve probably seen commercials for Axe body spray, body scrub, shampoo, and hair gel, all of which have a scent that make hot chicks jump your bones; you don’t even need things like personality, intelligence, a sense of humor, thoughtfulness, wealth, etc.  The problem is, though, that while the advertisements imply that Axe products make you sexually irresistible, actually using the items apparently doesn’t guarantee it.  Only lots and lots of money and/or fame can do that.

Unilever has refused to comment on the case, probably because no one could do so without laughing.  The company might want to take this a bit more seriously, however, because New Delhi court officials are.  They have collected samples of Axe products for forensic tests, though I’m not exactly sure what they’ll be testing.  If in a randomized, double-blind trial, Axe causes comely lasses to start humping chairs, but it didn’t work with Bedi, did he buy a defective product?  For seven freaking years?  Or is there something so repulsive about him that it counteracts the vaunted Axe effect?  Should there be prominent disclaimers on all Axe products, warning that while you’ll probably get action, it’s not guaranteed?  There must be something to this, since Ram Jethmalani, supposedly India’s leading compensation lawyer, weighed in: “There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women.  In fact, some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys.”  Top chemists and biologists are currently researching whether these men wore Axe Body Spray.

The legal community will no doubt be keeping a close watch on this case, which if decided in the plaintiff’s favor could lead to the largest class action lawsuits ever on behalf of involuntarily abstinent smokers, drinkers, and shavers everywhere.  Beer ads, even those dating back thousands of years, have featured a schlubby dude transformed into a sex machine simply by ordering a Michelob at a neigborhood bar or grabbing a Coors 12-pack from a convenience store cooler.  (Note: it helps that these places are always crawling with gorgeous, exotic women slumming for wild loving in lower tax brackets.  Quick, order a Bud Select or they’ll go next door to Paddy McO’Flanneryhans and sleep with the balding, beer-gutted dude requesting a Miller Lite.)  And cigarette ads?  There’s a reason they can’t be shown on television.  They’re too powerful and give away long-held secrets: Kools and Camels will give you the sex appeal of a super-fit 28-year-old investment banker with a shiny button-down shirt and spiky hair who wears a five-o’clock shadow well and unironically, who is being stared at by a lingerie model at the bar in a tight but classy dress.  Shaving cream and razor commercials go even further, suggesting that these women have already spent the night with you, and wander into the bathroom right as you’re getting the closest damn shave of your life, and they can’t help but feel your face and touch foreheads.

We should herald Vaibhav Bedi’s bravery for taking on the false promises of the, well, everything industry.  I myself smoked, drank, and shaved for years because I was a lonely, hideous, impoverished man who trusted advertising companies.  Did I ever once wake up with a Beyonce look-alike, who sauntered into my enormous light-grey-tiled bathroom the morning after our rock-star screw session, just as I was wiping the condensation away in the mirror so I could shave with a Gillette 15-blade nuclear-powered Fission Shavinator, then give her a sly look because we both know we’ll hit it again before late breakfast at a nice little bistro where she’ll order a fruit plate and I’ll try the buckwheat pancakes?  No, but that’s what my shave gel promised.  Keep fighting, Vaibhav.  We’re behind you all the way.