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Memo from Cosmos, Inc: There Will Be Consequences for This Whole “Def Leppard Cartoon” Thing

December 21, 2009

TO: Humanity

FROM: Cosmos, Inc.

DATE: 12/21/09

SUBJECT: This Whole “Def Leppard Cartoon” Thing

As you know, Cosmos, Inc. is a diverse, multi-galactic, future-forward organization that represents a vast array of cosmic forces. Normally, we pride ourselves on avoiding micro-management. Rather, we’re more like consultants, providing advice and subtle influence rather than outright governance of human actions. In short, we like to hang back and let humanity do its thing.

But we need to dialogue on a key issue ASAP. We have to weigh in and say that the possibility of a Def Leppard cartoon is unacceptable. You’re going way beyond your core competencies and straying from your vision. It may be acceptable according to your SOPs, but this venture is not mission-centric. Have you forgotten last quarter’s best practices review? Or maybe you didn’t get the memo—we’ll have Jeannie fax you another copy right now.

You’ll see in that earlier memo that we went back to Day Zero, looking at the deliverables from all the data points on the supply chain. We crunched a lot of numbers, and it’s clear that the ROI on “80s nostalgia” is strong for now. The numbers are still trending up. So we can see how you felt incentivized to ride the cash cow one more time by going for a Def Leppard cartoon.

But we don’t think the margins will be sustainable long enough to make the Def Leppard thing a win-win, and especially not a win-win-win, when the rubber meets the road. The 80s revival well is running dry. I think we all know that that G.I. Joe movie was a total trainwreck. And our associates at The Brown Tweed Society definitely have the full optics on the upcoming Battleship and Asteroids movies. They actually have the cojones to talk about the elephant in the room—those movies are total dogs.

We know it’s easy for the suits, the bean-counters, and the creative types among you to culture clash. Strategic planning isn’t in your silos. That’s when it becomes our job to step in and take stock. And we highly recommend a no-go on the Def Leppard cartoon.

But ultimately it’s your call. Humanity does have free will. And we suspect the suits and the bean-counters are in bed on this one because of the quick-dollar potential, so the project’s got mojo right now.

In a year or so, though, when this thing crashes and burns and you’re having daily blamestorm sessions, try to remember that we raised the red flag on this one. At that point, we’ll strongly recommend that there should be no golden parachutes for whoever ends up being the fall guy. At the end of the day, there must be consequences for a shitstorm of this magnitude.

Oh, one final action item on the agenda. It’s humanity’s get out of jail free card if there DOES end up being a Def Leppard cartoon. Take the animated versions of the Lepps and put ‘em in an episode of Metalocalypse. As long as Dethklok makes Def Leppard’s eyes bleed and/or turns their internal organs into porridge, all else will be forgotten.

One Comment
  1. Paul permalink*
    December 21, 2009 10:55 pm

    The only way, and I do mean the ONLY way, this could be remotely cool is if they do it up like old Scooby-doo cartoons, with the zany sound effects & stuff. If the band even thinks of taking themselves seriously with this, it’s toast.

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