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Resolutions? Not On Your Life, Sucka!

December 31, 2009

So now is the time of year to man up and determine the ways in which I plan to change my life in the next year, huh?  Well, the word “resolution” sounds so final–like if I make one of those, I’ll have to live up to it–so you can forget that one, dudes and dudettes.  Monsieur Caleb always leaves himself an escape route and so no resolutions, baby.  I’m more comfortable calling them “intentions”, how does that work for ya?  That’s what I thought.

I guess I’ll begin by conquering my fears.  Yes, ever since I was a poor child in the wilds of Kentucky that’s been an intention of mine.  When I was young, I had to overcome the fear that monsters lurked in the dark, waiting until bedtime to jump out from under the bed to devour me whole.  As I’ve grown older, my fears have become more complex and, if possible, even more terrifying.  Now, I must face up to the most fear-inspiring entity that I have ever come into contact with.  No, it’s not chlamydia, and no, I don’t need antibiotics for chlamydia treatment.  It’s even more horrific.  Ladies and gents, I intend in 2010 to never again be scared by the visage of Lady GaGa .  I’m sorry folks, I know that the Lady is the future of pop music, with millions of fans worldwide, but she absolutely freaks me out.  I mean like wet-the-bed kind of freakout.  Fortunately, through extensive research I have unearthed the “antidote” to Fräulein Freakazoid:  Billy Joel songs.  Yes, ladies and germs, just playing Joel within hearing distance of GaGa will cause her to melt like the Nazi dudes in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  So I’ve got news for you Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta:  if you evah sneak into my house at night again hoping to strike terror into my heart, I’ll have a little surprise waiting under the pillow.  Bring it on, girlfriend…homeboy (?)…uh, mate! 

Anyone who follows this blog knows that I am a huge Justin Vernon fan.   Earlier in the year, I let you in on the wonders of his blog and I’m here to reiterate that it’s the best (and weirdest) musician blog that I know of, mainly because Vernon so freely lets you into his creative process and…other…parts of his life.  He has posted on his love for New Buffalo’s Somewhere, Anywhere, Randy Newman’s Sail Away, and Richard Buckner’s Bloomed. But he also regales us with quotes like “I’m drenched in beer!” and “Thinkin’ about pooopin’ at Racy’s.”  In 2010, I intend to emulate Vernon’s blogging style more and more, which will entail many one paragraph posts from me along these lines:  “Pete Droge’s second album invades my soul like no other.  I think that when I sleep I enter Pete’s body.  Hemorrhoids suck, I think I’ll burn them off.”  The first Wednesday in January can’t get here soon enough.

Earlier today I was reading about R.E.M.’s Murmur in Tom Moon’s fantastic 1000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die and Moon reminded me that in 1983 Rolling Stone had the guts to list Murmur as the top album of 1983, over both Thriller and Synchronicity.  I was unaware of that factoid and duly impressed, since doing this must have taken courage and a great deal of integrity given the popularity of Michael Jackson and The Police in ’83.  Flash-forward to 2009, when RS picks U2’s No Line On The Horizon as it’s number one album.  Where have all the cowboys gone?  So I intend in 2010 to have the stones that RS obviously doesn’t have and continue to highlight and write about music that is exciting, original, and moving as opposed to washed-up, retreaded fluff music just to pander to the popular kids.  Lest ye think I’m dissing U2, please note that I thoroughly applaud The Edge’s decision to  appear in the Jack White vehicle “It Might Get Loud.”  I also am down with Bono going busking on the streets of Dublin with Glen Hansard and then giving the proceeds up to charity.  That’s pretty cool.  But there’s no way in holy Hades that I’m picking an album where U2 not only openly rips off such esteemed contemporaries as Elvis Costello, but also where they shamelessly retread their own freaking songs!  In no version of reality is that the best album of the year!  Anyone reading this that can make an objective case for this album as anything better than mediocre, please do so.  I promise I’ll listen with an open mind.  Otherwise, I’m headed off to listen to the Joao Gilberto compilation I got for Christmas.

Wow…sorry…didn’t mean to monologue like that.  But that’s what you come to the Tweed for, isn’t it?  In all seriousness, I hope each of you has a wonderful and prosperous year in 2010.  Later!

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