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A Cleansing Resolution

January 1, 2010

My New Year’s resolution spawns from an internal struggle that has been brewing for quite some time.  Starting on January 1, all inhibitions will be dropped and I will fulfill this solitary goal: Call out douche bags for all of their douchebagging ways from the moment of doucheception.  Acting on this resolution will not only relieve my oft-bitten tongue from its many wounds but also will serve as a kind of community service.  All the victims of douchebaggery will quietly rejoice and, deep down, that bag o’ douche will be thankful as well.

Here are a few of the douchers who will be on the receiving end of my resolution:

Elevator Cell Talkers. Sadly, we all have come to accept the garden variety public-walking cell-talking douche.  However, the elevator-riding cell-talking douche is a particularly offensive subset of this brand of bag.  Imagine a small crowd in an elevator, just trying to get to their floor, and some douche is loudly chatting away about his racquetball game or 401K.  Sometimes these conversations are fun in a voyeuristic kind of way – like finding out that the chick on the 14th floor is willing to switch-hit after 7 shots of tequila.  If that’s the conversation then I’m going to let it ride.  However, all others are going to be informed, in a most colorful fashion, that they are huge freaking douches.

Left Lane Cruisers.  Let’s get this straight, baggers, the left lane is for passing.  My commute to work takes about 45 minutes and would easily be cut in half if it were not for the occasional douche who is cruising along in the left lane at the exact same speed as the guy to his right, who also happens to be driving incredibly slow.  A single one of these douches can create a traffic jam, costing thousands of dollars of lost productivity by making sure everyone’s commute takes just as long as his.  And to all of the people who say that tailgaters are the biggest douches on the road, I say this: If you’d get your slow ass out of the passing lane, you wouldn’t have somebody riding it.  So the next time it looks like someone is trying to run you over, check to see if there is a large, red blinking sign on the hood of the tailgater’s car that says, “Hey douche, this is the passing lane!”  If so then it’s me.  The sooner you move over, the sooner I’ll get off your ass and we’ll both be happy.

Abandoners of Shopping Carts. Although virtually every grocery store and big box retailer provides cart returns throughout their parking lots, too many lazy douches (some of which can be spotted here) resist burning the four calories it takes to push their empty buggies to one of these receptacles.  While a few are at least marginally conscientious and roll them next to a light post or landscaping tree, the vast majority only move their cart far enough to avoid damaging their own vehicle as they back out of their space.  These d-bags generally will leave their cart right next to the adjacent vehicle’s driver door or, if there is no one next to them to inconvenience, they will leave it in an open parking place.  Come January 1, every douche I see committing this act of douchebaggery is going to get a royal de-douching.

Pointless Blog Commenter. Fortunately, the readers of TBTS are an intelligent lot, so this site does not suffer the same fate as those catering to a broader audience.  However, there is no shortage of douches crawling the web; in fact, the douche-to-cool ratio in the tubes is exponentially higher than in the real world and these folks are not shy about spreading their stank around.  The pointless blog commenting douche comes in various forms.  For instance, there’s the guy who posts just to give his opinion on how stupid the author is or how  much a video sucks.  There’s also the guy who subscribes to the most ridiculous conspiracy theories known to man, or who is otherwise woefully uninformed but writes with hubristic authority.  Because these people will not be persuaded by mere words, I’m going to call on some friends who know a guy who knows a guy that knows how to find people; then I’m going to go to the pointless blog commenter’s house and give him a wedgie that stretches over his ears.

The Straight Metrosexual.  He’s taller.  He has nicer hair.  He works out.  His clothes are hipper and his wallet is fatter.  He’s probably funnier, too.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this guy.  Fucking douche.

I encountered all of these douches in one day, which prompted this resolution.  There are countless more.  Please feel free to contribute your own suggestions below of douchebaggery warranting retribution and come January 1, they are fair game for a public calling-out ceremony.  Down with the douche!

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