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Things Are Gonna Change in 2010

January 2, 2010

Winning the lottery will change your life, for better or worse.  I learned that when I won $250 playing the Pick-3 Wednesday.  I’ve changed my number, moved into bigger efficiency, and retained legal counsel (my cousin’s taking paralegal classes online at Strayer).  I worked for this, so don’t call me asking for money.  You can earn it like I did.  Need another month of nicotine patches?  That’s what the health department’s for.  Can’t pay your rent?  Pound the pavement and sell more weed; surely you live within a couple miles of a high school.  How do you think I made the dollar that bought that glorious ticket?

Maybe winning the lottery won’t allow me to do everything that I want to do, but it’s given me what they call “Fuck You” money.  Just ask my bosses, who each got a big “Fuck You” when I threw my work shirt in their fat red faces.  “Maybe you didn’t hear on the news, but one of your employees just won the lottery.  Correction: ex-employee.”  I strutted out, went straight to the liquor store, and picked up some Jim Beam.  No more Rebel Yell for this nouveau-riche.

I’ve heard that one of the toughest things facing lottery winners is what to do with all the free time.  That won’t be a problem for me.  In 2010 I’m going to

–Buy every damn DVD I want.  On Blu-Ray.  And watch it on a 50-inch hi-def flat-screen (my cousin works at Rent-A-Center, so I get a “discount.”)  I’ll be able to see every pockmark in Dog The Bounty Hunter’s weathered face, every whisker on Larry The Cable Guy’s hilarious chin (can’t wait to see the DVD extras for Delta Farce), every dimple in Jamie Pressley’s delicious ass.  Come over and watch if you want.  You bring the beer.

–Watch more TV, especially Judge shows.  If you’re at home during the day, which I am, you get to see how the legal system really works.  Judge Greg Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy Sheindlin, Judge Mabeline Ephraim, Judge Marilyn Milian, Judge Glenda Hatchett (daaamn!), Judge Mills Lane—these cats dole out real justice, not that Law and Order missing kids and art theft bullshit.  You loaned your friend your car and his girlfriend wrecked it on the way to get cigarettes?  Haul ‘em in.  Your roommate skipped out on three months’ rent and bills before he got locked up?  Get him on the July docket!  Hell, maybe you’ll see me on one this year, plaintiffing someone’s ass into bankruptcy.

–Listen to more stuff.  I’m not much for downloads or mpwhatchies, so I’m going to fill a whole cabinet with CDs.  Kid Rock, Sugarland (for the ladies—remember, I’m Big & Rich now—ha!), Roy D. Mercer, and whatever else strikes my fancy.  I’ll probably get me Sirius or XM so I can listen to Gator & The Styckman, or at least Cornbread’s World.

–Parties.  Lots of parties.  You’re all invited.  Just follow the noise.

Folks, I’m not saying this is the last time you’ll hear from me.  Hardly.  What I am saying is that in 2010 some things are going to change.  You’ll see.

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