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Lindsay Lohan Hopes 2010 Will Be Drama Free, Meaning She Will Be Leaving Earth

January 4, 2010

I swear I wish everyone (well, almost everyone) a safe, happy, and prosperous new year.  Even Lindsay Lohan.  Maybe especially Lindsay Lohan, since she is by all accounts a lost soul, someone who has had few good role models or people she could trust.  She has become so consumed with and by such vapid, superficial, and unforgiving celebrity culture that she seems—and looks, sad to say—exhausted at the ripe old age of 23.

To be fair, 2009 was pretty rough for the woman, and she knows it.  She split acrimoniously (according to the press, at least) with girlfriend Samantha Ronson.  She starred in the straight-to-TV stinker Labor Pain, and not much else.  She had probation, already a reduced sentence for DUI and cocaine possession, extended because she skipped substance abuse treatment classes.  Her clothing line got panned by the very designer with whom she was collaborating.  Her attempt to go “raw” and high-concept (read: black-and-white raunch NSFW) in Muse magazine was met with ridicule and, worse for any celebrity, “meh.”  Worst of all, some of Lindsay’s very private conversations became very public when her dad aired her dirty laundry during a scorched-earth war in the press with her mom.

I’m not asking you to feel sorry for her, certainly not sorrier than for a teenager in Duluth whose mom or dad is fighting in Afghanistan.  Especially since by age 20 Lohan had built up a good resume, image, and bank account.  At that point, you’ve got it better than 99.99% of the human race ever will.  So when things start to go downhill from there, and it looks like you’re the biggest cause of your own decline, you aren’t going to get much sympathy.  She certainly hasn’t.  You know the drill: when the paparazzi smell blood, especially that of a female child star turned club dweller, it’s over.  Every drink she takes in public, and many in private, proves she’s an intractable alcoholic.  Every harsh word spoken to her current flame showcases her fractured love life and supposed inability to keep a boyfriend/girlfriend.  It must be hard to find solace and refuge from all that, especially when your own father had proved that blood isn’t always thicker than water, or at least paid interviews.  It must be harder still to retain your sanity, and maybe Lindsay hasn’t.

It can be done, though.  Hilary Duff, Dakota Fanning, and other young female celebrities have kept low media profiles in a tabloid environment that loves to trumpet the salacious exploits of young women while largely giving men a pass for the same things.  And Robert Downey Jr., among others, has rebounded from his addictions to become one of the most bankable film stars in the world.  Maybe the first step for young Ms. Lohan would be actively to avoid the spotlight and get back to acting, the thing that made her rich and famous in the first place.  Easier said than done?

Should we expect anything different for Lindsay in 2010?  Probably not, since the entire raison d’etre for the Hollywood Fame Machine, for lack of a better term, is to make loads of money, no matter how.  Lohan and thousands of others like her are just fuel.  Lindsay, if you’re really serious about having a drama-free year, tweeting about it while holding what looks to be a cigarette in a bikini on a boat in St. Barts before attending Russell Simmons’ NYE party may not be the best start.  I’ll be honest: I have my doubts, so prove me wrong.  Step back and start examining your decisions before you make them, and before they make you a cautionary tale.

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