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The Keymaster and Gatekeeper Prepare to Unleash Gozer: Russell Brand and Katy Perry Engaged

January 6, 2010

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t get Russell Brand. 

I mean, I can kind of see how he is regarded as Britain’s answer to Howard Stern; his exploits on London’s indie rock station Xfm and later on BBC Radio 2 are well documented: how he read pornography on the air and called 78 year-old Brit actor Andrew Sachs to make lewd comments about his granddaughter (stunts which got him sacked from both stations). I know how he showed up on Europe’s MTV Select the day after the 9/11 attacks dressed as Osama Bin Laden (hilarious!) and had a public confrontation with Rod Stewart after allegations Brand made about bedding the singer’s daughter.  I’ll cop to being somewhat charmed by his performance in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but that seemed to just be his polite way of knocking on America’s door; he subsequently called George W. Bush a “retard” at the MTV VMAs when establishing his outrageous dandy persona and courting his hip new American audience (it’s the family rule — we’re allowed to do that, you aren’t).

That said, I’m not really sure I’ve ever seen the Katy Perry allure either. Yes, we get it. You kissed a girl, woke up in Vegas, feuded with Lily Allen and threatened an Australian designer for having the same name as you. Next, please.

Perry’s brand of entertainment is pin-up, “oops, I’m barely wearing any clothes!”-style coquettishness. Brand’s is a cockney, “I’m so brash because that’s just who I am” type of in-your-facedness. At the risk of angering two entire fan bases (and I’m well aware there are large ones for both entertainers), the only thing I can really think of that would be more annoying than either of these personalities separately is these personalities together.

But hey, who am I to judge a match made in heaven? The two are engaged, according to the Huffington Post.

A perfect couple: a former heroin and prostitute addict who has admitted to several relapses (Brand) and the poppy daughter of two pastors who wants to be seen as “wild n’ crazy” (Perry). It’s like a modern day Footloose! Cue Kenny Loggins!

I’d like to go on record as saying this wedding, if it goes down, doesn’t have a prayer (though I’m sure Perry’s parents are more than covering that end of things). As is typical in the music business, Perry will at some point want to be seen as more than a pop partygirl and shed her manufactured image; unfortunately, she’ll be left with a slurring, disheveled Englishman whose image was, unfortunately for her, exactly what he claimed it to be. He’ll cheat, then go on television and radio and act like that’s just what he does. She’ll do an acoustic album and suddenly seem really out of place with a guy like that. 

Or things could go the other way, and a portal to entertainment and paparazzi hell can be opened by this unholy union. We could be subject over the next few years to all sorts of uproarious moments where the two do all kinds of shocking things that will sell all sorts of fantastically written photo magazines.

Either way, I’m just sayin’, you know, that…well…I told you so.

  1. KtyPryLvr permalink
    October 8, 2010 4:45 pm

    “That said, I’m not really sure I’ve ever seen the Katy Perry allure either.”

    There are two big reasons people love her.


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