The Entertation Index: January 8

Carey, Mariah — The singer has announced that her loopy behavior when accepting her award at the recent Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards was simply because she was drunk. Upon hearing this, tabloids everywhere stopped and looked at one another in silence, not knowing what to do next, and immediately all bumped up to running a series of headlines saying she was high.

Link: Mariah Carey Justifies Rambling Speech (MSNBC)

Fortune, Wheel of — Two days ago we brought you a WOF clip of three people who clearly didn’t know who Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin are; today we bring you the clip of a woman who delivers the destined-to-be-infamous puzzle solution “Self Potato.” Something tells me that they’ve dropped their contestant standards way down there at The Wheel.

Link:  Self Potato! (YouTube)

Fox, Megan — Health experts are scrambling to deny incorrect information Megan Fox recently dispensed when she extolled the health benefits of drinking straight vinegar. Oh Megan — welcome home to the Index, dear. Your mother and I have been worried sick. It’s great to have your batshit craziness back home where it belongs. We missed you so.

Link: Megan Fox Slammed By Health Experts for Championing Vinegar Detoxifier Diet (Sydney Herald-Sun)

Hawke, Ethan — Hawke tells the Los Angeles Times that movies have become too long, noting that “everyone thinks their movie is so brilliant it has to be three hours long.” Hawke then went on to extrapolate “that’s why I only make the types of movies that you can just get up and walk out on whenever you want.”

Link: Ethan Hawke is Always in Development (LA Times)

Lange, Artie — Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange is in a New Jersey hospital tonight after a suicide attempt in which the raunchy comic stabbed himself nine times. Like him or hate him, it’s a sad tale — and we wish him a speedy recovery and help with those demons soon.

Link: Artie Lange Hospitalized After Alleged Suicide Attempt (Rolling Stone)

Leno, Jay — New York Magazine is reporting, by way of TMZ, that NBC has decided to restore Jay Leno to his 11:30 Tonight Show slot after Leno delivered dismal ratings at 10:00. This is beyond comprehension. I can’t even talk about this right now — if this is true, I’ll write more at a later date when things shake out. But seriously folks: I call shenanigans.

Link: Conan Out, Leno In at 11:30? (NY Mag)

Lisa, Mona — A professor of pathology at Italy’s University of Palermo — after carefully studying the Mona Lisa — has diagnosed the elusive lady with high cholesterol due to fatty buildup under her skin and a possible benign tumor in her right eye. He also diagnosed Velazquez’s Infanta Margarita with McCune-Albright Syndrome, Piero della Francesca’s Virgin Mary with a goiter, and Picasso’s Woman With a Blue Hat as “all fucked up.”

Link: What Ails the Mona Lisa? (NY Times)

Monster, Loch Ness — Rumors of Nessie’s demise are greatly exaggerated: after a lack of sightings over the past few years, many had feared the fabled creature had died, but the president of the Loch Ness Monster Fan Club announced that the organization believes one sighting this year was enough to vouch for its health. This, however, didn’t stop Tila Tequila from tweeting “OMG luv U LNM – U will B da Most Beutiful Dinosar in Heven!”

Link: Loch Ness Monster Death Rumours Denied (Telegraph)

Senior Citizens, Television for — A company called TV Ears has invented the first LCD HD television set for senior citizens, which turns itself off after four hours and includes a remote control with only six buttons. Those buttons are On, Off, I’m Cold, You Never Call, The Housekeeper is Stealing From Me and Matlock. In addition, if you’re looking for dependable and warmhearted home care service for senior citizens, check out Home Instead Senior Care Vancouver.
Link: Must Zzz TV (NY Post)