TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending January 9, 2010)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Tila Tequila and Casey Johnson:

There’s still a lot to be learned about the untimely death of heiress Casey Johnson.  One thing we do know, however, is Tila Tequila is tweeting the hell out of it.  This could have stopped at “I am grieving over the loss of a dear friend,” with an occasional rejoinder to those who impugn her motives.  However, Tila decided that the best way for her to take some private time to mourn was to send out about a thousand tweets.  Rarely will I pass judgment on the manner in which someone mourns, but I can pass judgment on inconsistency.  Tila, if you need time –private time, as you yourself said—take it.

We have our doubts about your “close” relationship with Ms. Johnson, to whom you were supposedly engaged and refer to as your “Wifey.”  Although old acquaintances of Casey’s say you knew her for all of a month, we’re willing to believe it could have been longer, or that you simply were perfect for each other, and found that out in the month you were together.  If there’s one thing we can’t stand, though, it’s shamelessly profiting from public grief over someone you didn’t know that well.  If you didn’t really love, or barely knew, your “wifey,” may you boil in the Chlamydia-infested waters of your hot tub for eternity.

2. Kate Gosselin’s Hair Changes.  Again:

It’s the new American dream: a young girl works hard in school so that someday she can become a reality star by giving birth to a shitload of kids.  When the brood reaches eight (pretty much the minimum now to sustain a show about the trials of parenting), get sponsorships and a TLC contract, and become known for your acidic attitude toward your husband and children, at the same time getting a hairdo named after you, even though it was probably a random stylist that made it up and will never get credit for it.  When the magic begins to fade, have a public falling out (now that your face is plastered everywhere, all fallings-out are public) with your spouse.  When you realize most of the world has no sympathy for you because they think you’re a mega-bitch, femme the hairdo, catch a crying jag or two on camera, and describe your emotional hardships on The View.  When that doesn’t work, wait for your husband to completely exhaust any sympathy he had by acting like a 23-year-old jet-setting playboy, when he is none of those things.  When Nancy Grace rips him a new one and people start to forget about you, get on a magazine cover with another new ‘do, which I swear to God looks like a shitty wig cut by a blind guy with Parkinson’s.

On second thought, why don’t you study to be a scientist?  Please, because in 20 years Kate Gosselin will be remembered only as “that chick who used to be on that show who looks just like Catherine O’hara.”

3. Jon Gosselin’s Girlfriend Changes.  Again:

Boy, have things changed for Jon Gosselin.  He’s in the news now because he has been linked to a new woman, someone named Morgan he supposedly met while skiing in Utah, who is not named Kate (Gosselin or Major) or Hailey (Glassman).  Shocking!  Except that it’s not!  Ever since the separation, John has been seen with approximately a Beatty of women (that’s more than a Simmons, but less than a Chamberlain).  Blonde?  He’s down with it!  Like clubbing or hanging out at Vegas pools?  Sign him up!  Smoke and/or drink?  You’re in!  Have a working vagina and at least one breast?  Hop on the Gosse-liner!  So please, Jon sleeping with a different lady every couple months isn’t news, it’s par for the course.  (For Jon’s lasting legacies and contributions to society, see #2 above.)

4. Some Guy Tried to Bring Down A Plane By Lighting His Junk:

Dude, there has got to be an easier way.  I have been known to cause fuselage damage if I accidentally pop a rodney in mid-flight, but that’s different.

Thanks, entertainment media, for giving talentless nobodies the proper public platform to become talentless somebodies!