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Polaroid Marketing Department Morning Meeting, January 11

January 10, 2010

“Lady Gaga’s broad creative talents and the way she connects with her fans in her own, unique manner made her a natural choice for Polaroid… we are delighted to be partnering with Lady Gaga to continue with that tradition and bring new and exciting products to the next generation.”

-Polaroid CEO Stephen Miller, speaking at a recent press conference naming Lady Gaga a Polaroid Creative Director

Good morning everyone, did everyone have a nice weekend? Deborah, how was skiing with your nieces and nephews? No broken bones, I hope! Gary, your Eagles really stunk up the field! I’m kidding, Dallas has a great team this year. Okay, everybody here? Let’s get started.

The reason I wanted to make sure we were all here this morning is that, as many of you know and left voice mails concerning on my phone this weekend, we have a new staff member here in the Polaroid marketing department. You may have seen her on television, heard her on the radio, or — most likely — found her on your children’s iPods. Some you are aware that over the past few weeks we have been searching for someone to fill Charles’ position and have held many interviews with some very qualified candidates. None, however, quite blew us away by this young woman, Lady Gaga, and we really believe that her ideas could be part of a paradigm shift for Polaroid in the upcoming months and years. Lady Gaga, will you stand? Let’s all give her a warm welcome.

Lady Gaga will be occupying the office formerly held by Kim while Kim is on maternity leave and until we can find a permanent office for her. Don’t play your music too loud, Lady Gaga — Helen here likes her peace and quiet and she’s right next door! I’m just kidding with you, Helen. 

Anyway, I thought it might be a good idea if you joined us this morning, Lady Gaga, to meet the team, ask questions, and share any initial ideas you might have. We like to discuss the week ahead over a good cup of joe so we all don’t tear our hair out later, don’t we guys? I’m kidding. But this meeting is a good way for us all to touch base. 

That’s an excellent question, Lady Gaga. We like to call our office “business casual,” unless you’re meeting with a client. Then it’s usually the norm to dress up a little more. That’s an interesting outfit you have on, actually — are those real carrots? — but that would probably fall more under the “casual” rule. Also, sometimes on Fridays during football season you can wear gear from your favorite NFL team. We have an office pool for the games too, but watch out for Gary. He’s a real shark, right guys? But seriously, pants suits are always nice, or a sensible skirt and blouse combo when meeting with investors or new business partners. 

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I’ve never thought of that, Lady Gaga, but it’s an interesting idea — a camera which adjusts itself based upon the “delicate trappings of fame.” I’m not exactly sure how that would work, but this is precisely why we hired you! For your imaginative ideas! Yes, I’m sure a camera covered in fur would be a hot seller among certain demographics, though I’m not sure our technology is such yet that we can capture subjects’ “spirit animals” in our instant photos. Though that would be something! We’ll pass it along to R&D and see if they have any thoughts.

What’s that? Oh, no, I’m sorry. We have a fairly strict no-pets policy here in the office, so you can’t bring your leopard in to work. But you should ask Angie about that lady who keeps her cats when she’s out of town, maybe she’d have some good leads on someone who could watch it for you. 

Yes, Lady Gaga, sometimes we do like to cut loose a little. There’s an Olive Garden over on Route 43 and on Fridays from six to eight their drinks are discounted, so we sometimes all stop by there to blow off some steam and recuperate from the week. Excuse me? No, I’m sorry, we don’t really make it a point to divulge personal information about sexual orientation. We like to leave that up to the employee’s discretion. But there is a rumor that Brad’s roommate is more than a roommate. I’ve probably said too much already — but does that kind of answer your question?

I’m sure we could probably talk with accounting about a giant martini glass hot tub for your office. Would you happen to have a picture of one, from a catalogue or something, to show them when we send along the request?

No, I’m sorry, effigies of any sort — artistic or otherwise — are discouraged. That can be rather distracting.

So these two young gentlemen accompany you everywhere? I see. Well, we can perhaps make some arrangements to add some additional chairs to your workspace. Will they be dancing like this often? And they should probably wear shirts, just in case you have to meet with a client. Like I said earlier. Not my rules, you know? I’ll need their information so I can get them access cards to the outside doors.

Yes, in fact, there is a soda machine on the fourth floor, right outside the elevator. And a snack machine too. It has M&Ms, cheese crackers, pretzels. The usual. Yes, it accepts dollar bills.

I don’t think it sells glow-sticks. Barb, does it? No, it doesn’t. Just those items I mentioned just now. 

Sure, I can get you some 401K information. 

We’re all really happy to have you on board, Lady Gaga. This is going to work out really tremendously. But you are going to have to take your leopard home or make arrangements for it soon, I’m sorry to say. Joel has some pretty serious allergies. Let me give you Angie’s extension.

  1. January 10, 2010 5:20 pm

    brilliant. thank you. :)

  2. toast permalink
    January 10, 2010 7:05 pm

    Polaroid just DIE made billions and you are looking like a horseface-jackass by hiring a non professional muppet to be your so called creative director. Stop digging your own grave Polaroid, you look pathetic to the entire creative community.

    No offense to the blog writer.

  3. January 12, 2010 4:35 pm

    I. Love. This.

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