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I Don’t Mean to Brag, But…

January 16, 2010

Sometimes, I amaze myself.  OK, that may be a bit of a stretch.  Sometimes I surprise myself.  Well, not that often really.  Sometimes I cause myself to raise one eyebrow in slight exasperation.  Got it.  But you know what does amaze me?  The ability of this little ragtag band of miscreants called “The Brown Tweed Society” to literally change the face of history, right before your very eyes, dear reader.  How have we done this?  Mainly through a keen sense of pop culture awareness and a carefully concocted cocktail of illicit drugs and cold medicine.

So now you’re asking yourself how exactly have we here at Tweed Central altered the course of life on earth?  Well, it’s been a while since I’ve given you a rundown of our awesomeness, so I think I’ll order us a little hit of “pat ourselves on the back”.  Let’s start with our very own Matt Shorr, who warned us last month that this Steven Seagal character was a ticking time bomb.  Most of the internet scoffed and some even dared to mock Monsieur Shorr’s analysis (you know who you are).  They ignored the slippery slope of evil that is Steven Seagal.  But, as usual, Mr. Shorr turned out to be a prophet when V’s own Morris Chesnut revealed that Seagal is so bad he went back in time to 1995 to whip up on Chesnut.  Let me get this straight, not only is the man an abnormally large and out of shape kung-fu crime fighting machine, he can break the space-time continuum at will?  Matt, the world will regret ignoring your warnings for years to come.

Moving on, it was not that long ago that Lloyd reminded us that nothing good could come of Kanye West travelling to India.  And wouldn’t you know it, Mr. West’s arrival set off a solar eclipse and sent millions of Indians fleeing in terror to wash in the River Ganges.  What’s that, you say?  The eclipse was a natural occurence and the Indians were celebrating a religious holiday?  Well, if you believe that youngster I’ve got some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell you.

I’m running short on time here, so I’ll just briefly hit on the fact that Simon Cowell was so spooked by T. Stump’s analysis of his soul-lessness that he decided to hightail it off of American Idol, or how Jay St. Orts’ homage to Iggy Pop helped the aging punkster land a commercial endorsement deal.  And I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that C.M. Tomlin foreshadowed the current late-night woes of NBC back in September 2009 or that yours truly discovered long ago that Evan Rachel Wood could control minds, a factoid that was proven correct yet again when she forced Marylin Manson to crawl back to her on his paws and knees, begging for more torture and humiliation at her hands.  I mean let’s face it, Marylin could have any woman he wants, only brainwashing could explain him going back to her.

So kids, as you can see, TBTS is truly the pop-cultural epicenter of the universe.  We bring you top-notch entertainment news, gossip and analysis, using only our brains and the power of the internet.  Well, I suppose you could add in our dashing good looks….uh well, nevermind about that.  Anyway, I leave you today with a quote from the honorable Paul LePotts, 5th Emeritus Grand Eminator of the Society and author of “The Brown Tweed Manifesto”, written in 1934:  “You can rely on the vapid intellects of lesser men, and in so doing ensure the rapid rise of mediocrity in the analysis of the arts. [Note:  In the 1930’s pop culture was known as “the arts”.]  Or you can rise to the call of the Society, where somewhat pedestrian men join together to collectively cast off mediocrity in favor the excellence inherent in a scholarly study of topics not necessarily worthy of intense scrutiny.  Only here will you find mostly deep thoughts on mostly shallow topics, and it is only in this pursuit will the true mettle of this work be known.  No diggity, I got to bag it up.”

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