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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending January 16, 2010)

January 16, 2010

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Cybill Shepherd’s Son Steals Stuff:

There is an interesting angle to this story.  Namely, that someone was ballsy enough to steal things from sleeping passengers on a cross-country flight.  It’s fraught with danger: one of the hundreds of other people could see you and alert the flight staff, someone could wake up while you’re stealing his/her iPod and beat the living shit out of you with a rolled up SkyMall, you might run and hole up in the bathroom and try to flush yourself into oblivion when you realized you’re pinched.

What is not especially interesting is that the thief is Cyrus Shepherd-Oppenheim, Cybill Shepherd’s son.  This story probably wouldn’t even have been reported had the perpetrator not been the progeny of a once-famous actress who hasn’t done much recently and is virtually unknown to about half the country.  Lots of people steal stuff, even famous people, and it’s no different when they do it.  The lesson: if you don’t want your kid to gank stuff, don’t name him “Cyrus Shepherd-Oppenheim.”

2. Heidi Montag “Addicted” To Plastic Surgery:

Maybe Montag is a wonderful, introspective, giving person.  Maybe in her life away from the camera she volunteers at soup kitchens and children’s hospitals.  I doubt it.  Either way, she has actively constructed, maintained, and promoted her entertainment persona as a vapid, substanceless, completely self-centered publicity parasite.  She realizes that her bleach-blonde, large-busted image, and the public’s hatred of it, is the only thing she has going for her.  So who cares, and who is surprised, that she has an obsession with cosmetic surgery?  Who feels even a little sad for her when says it’s part of her journey to become “the best me?”  This is exactly what you would expect of someone like Heidi Montag.  This is as groundbreaking as a People cover with Hugh Hefner in soft lighting, smiling wide and saying, “I love young, blonde twins!”

Come on, People, Heidi totally gave you an out.  Neither she nor Spencer had done anything newsworthy (is anything they do?) in a while, so it would have been nice to let them ride quietly into the night, where they would accidently plunge into an obscured hole filled with punji sticks.  Instead, Heidi’s sultry, altered face stares at us from your cover, and she professes to be nothing more than she appears.  By the way, her debut CD’s title is Superficial.  We should have guessed.

3. Susan Sarandon Hanging Out With Younger Man:

Since her split with Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon has been seen consorting with a much younger man.  Jonathan Bricklin, 31, has frequently enjoyed the company of the “Mother Lover” star at his NYC ping pong club Spin.  The press has had a field day with this, not so much because a longtime liberal “Hollywood” couple split, but because GMILF Sarandon is 32 years older than Bricklin.  Do you think this would still be a story if Sarandon was hanging around Robert Duvall or Al Pacino?  No.  But uber-cougar Sarandon patronizing party establishments and perhaps even (*gasp*) being intimate with a man half her age?  Scandalous!  I say, go Bricklin, and go Susan.  More power to you both, no matter what you’re doing.  Now, someone needs to open a ping pong club where I live.

4. Haiti:

No jokes here.  This is an unimaginable tragedy for a nation beset with them in one form or another almost since its inception.  So Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh, please STFU.

Thanks, entertainment media, for shining a light on the epidemic of Hollywood scion in-flight thefts!

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