It May Be a Jobless Recovery, But at Least Hugh Hefner is Hiring

When I learned that two of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends had left the mansion and others are vying to fill the position, I tried to obtain the application for employment used by Playboy Enterprises. And no, it was NOT for a fellow TBTS writer’s sister, despite the rumors. It was for you, dear readers, so that you could have a rare glimpse into the business culture of a prominent American lifestyle brand.

Unfortunately, no one responded when I walked down the street and yelled, “I want an application to be Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend!” Well, one gentleman did give me a piece of paper with words like “position,” “opening,” and “job” on it, but I think his company was only offering temporary, hourly employment.

But then I realized I should probably go to the city where Playboy is actually located. Pretending to be a lube salesman, I talked my way into the headquarters and managed to get a 30-second glimpse of page 3 of one prospective Hefner girlfriend’s application. There were even a few notes written in the margins by Playboy’s HR department!

(Note: I can’t vouch for 100% accuracy, or even 1% accuracy, in my memory, but I think you’ll agree that this is interesting stuff, even if it’s mostly fabricated.)

Name: Brandi Sue Jugsworth

Date: 1/8/10

Age: 22

Please list special skills, qualifications, and experience:

1. I can put my legs behind my head. [Playboy HR’s note: Not relevant—Hef hasn’t gotten it up in 12 years]

2. Complete control over my gag reflex. [Useful—for changing diapers, not Hef sex]

3. Extensive knowledge of and experience with BDSM. [OK, she’s definitely getting an “interview”]

4. Typing.

Workplace Expectations—All Playboy employees are expected to exemplify the company’s mission at all times. As you know, the core elements of this mission are TEAMWORK, INTEGRITY, TRUST, MUTUAL RESPECT, and BOOBIES. Give specific examples of how your actions as an employee will satisfy at least three elements of the Playboy mission:

1. Teamwork—I will work well with Hef’s other girlfriends. For example, when I feed Hef and he wordlessly gurgles his approval, I’ll make sure the other girlfriends know he appreciates their contributions (bathing, dressing, wiping of various areas) too.

2. Integrity—When I leave the mansion for my own E! reality show, I’ll wait until at least the sixth episode before I trash the other girlfriends for being “dumb, backstabbing bitches.”

3. Boobies—Please refer to my enclosed “before” and “after” photos. As you can see, I will spare no expense.

Please list three references:

1. Jack Steelcock—he’s a filmmaker I worked with for a couple of weeks. We made about 40 “marital instructional videos.” That’s what he called them, anyway.

2. Lesley Ann Simpson—she’s the assistant cheerleading coach for the Topeka Wingnuts, the arena football team I used to cheer for.

3. Jeannie Jugsworth—she’s my Mom. She taught me everything I know. [Now that’s nice. Maybe I should “interview” her too]