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TBTS Kills The Scorpions. You Can Thank Us Later.

January 27, 2010

Happy Wednesday, hookas, and welcome back to The Brown Tweed Society, where we slay stale early-90’s pop icons like it ain’t no thang.  On Monday my man C.M. Tomlin let you know that German hair metal band The Scorpions has announced that their current tour, supporting the upcoming Sting In The Tail, will not only be their last, but will actually be THE END OF THE BAND.  I know, I know it’s devastating news.  I actually yawned twice when I read about it on the interwebs before returning to my World of Warcraft game.

As you can imagine, the blogosphere is all abuzz over the Scorpions breakup.  A quick Google search uncovered roughly 6 stories about the band and another 11,257,047 pages about the tiny arachnid.  The Twitter was not immune to Scorpion-mania either, as the @browntweed page lit up with tweets like this one from an obviously devastated fan:  NÃAÃÃAAAAAAAAAAAAO!!!!!.  Obviously, there’s a hard core sub-niche of over 10 (but under 30) people in the world that really care about this shocking development.  And all of those people are asking the same question of each other.  No, not “Who Cares?”–how rude of you!

The question that begs to be answered is “Why?”  Why would the most successful metal band to ever come out of Hanover, Germany suddenly decide to end their miraculous 45-year run in rock and roll, especially right before the release of their almost-immediate classic Sting In The Tail? Well, all you faithful Brown Tweed Society readers know the truth, don’t you?  Yes, we can all thank our own Lloyd for basically forcing the Scorpions to disband.

Yes, it was Lloyd who, despite a potential internet backlash of tepid proportions, took it upon himself to bravely call a spade a spade and call out the band for the overall awfulness of their 1990 power ballad “Wind of Change.”  Evidently Lloyd’s powerful analysis convinced the Scorpions that their days making music were over and that they might be better off living the rest of their lives as disgraced has-beens.  Some of you might be a tad skeptical that he is truly the party responsible for this event, but look no further than the statements of guitarist Rudolf Shenker:  “Yes, we’re quitting.  We are working on our last album right now and getting ready for the final tour.”  For those of you that can’t read German, let me translate:  “Lloyd scared the crap of us and we quickly realized that our music-making days were over.  Please Hammer don’t hurt us.”

So, fellow Tweed fans, please join me in shouting a hearty Hip, Hip, Hooray! for Lloyd, who has single-handedly rid the world of one of the true travesties of musicianship.  A man with this level of wit, influence, and power should be celebrated and praised for his contributions to humanity.  He’s warned us of the evils of Nancy Grace, clued us in on the dangerous tunes of Van Halen, and stuck it to Adam Lambert.  I suggest that he’s single-handedly responsible for the obliteration of more pop culture vermin than this random Bangladeshi farmer.  Lloyd, you are both a gentleman and a scholar.  Oh, and can we talk about Bon Jovi?

  1. January 23, 2014 8:54 am

    Nope. They are still Rocking!


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