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A Pep Talk for John Mayer’s Penis

February 14, 2010

First, it’s OK, I’m white and I’m a dude, so you can talk to me, ya little racist. Ha! Just messin’ with ya.

No, actually I get it, John Mayer’s Penis. Can I call you JP? Good, thanks, that’s much easier to type. Anyway, JP, I know you’ve gotten a bad rap lately. Some might even say you’ve gotten the shaft. I know it’s usually Mayer’s girlfriends who get the shaft—high five—but this time I think you did. Obviously, a penis can’t be racist, and regardless, as far as I’m concerned your partner is still a bigger dick than you are.

You’re kinda like Andrew Ridgely, John Oates, Art Garfunkel, Bill from Bill & Ted, or that other guy who hosted American Idol for a year or two. The silent, forgotten member (heh, member) of the duo, except when you’re needed for killer high harmonies,* talking to So-crates, getting Seacrest’s dry cleaning, etc. Or, in this case, your idiot partner’s sexual gratification.

So that you can avoid going limp in a deflated state of permanent defeat, I might suggest that you try to view your unbreakable bond with John Mayer as both a blessing and a curse. Look at it this way, JP:

1. Mayer has introduced you to some much-sought-after people over the years. Your social calendar would be the envy of many. You can’t really say that he never takes you anywhere nice.

2. Based on how many times the guy talked about masturbation in those Playboy and Rolling Stone interviews, you’re obviously getting lots of exercise. Daily, I’m guessing. You’re probably in pretty good shape with some considerable longevity going for you. I’d offer the same encouragement to at least one of Mayer’s hands/wrists/forearms.

3. I don’t know if you’re a fan of watered-down blues and sugary ballads, but if so, you’ve got a pretty good soundtrack to your life. I hope you’ve at least learned to like it over the years.**

4. From a certain point of view, John Mayer is your personal assistant. I don’t think there’s anyone else in the world who can claim that.

5. It’s worth restating: the guy has taken you along for some pleasant outings over the years. Hell, you were pretty much his guest of honor.

So, JP, my overall message is simple. A lot of the time, you’ve got it pretty good. There are perks to being a famous guy’s penis, even when that guy is kind of a dick himself.

So keep your head up.


*Serious side note #1: I freakin’ love Art Garfunkel and I don’t care who knows it.

**Serious side note #2: I haven’t cared for most of the John Mayer songs I’ve heard over the years, but I know he’s a heck of a guitar player, and I respect that. This article makes some good points along those lines in relation to all the hubbub Mayer’s been causing lately…he’s not the only talented musician who’s a bit batty. For better or worse (almost certainly worse, actually), he’s just a lot more public about it.

  1. Josanne permalink
    February 14, 2010 4:11 pm

    I think he is a fine musician but an awful human being. Any woman fool enough to go out with him deserves what she gets. He’s got a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig mouth, he’s not discreet, thinks he’s god’s gift to women, he’s immature, he’s media hungry and loves to hear himself talk and read about himself, he’s perverted and takes pride in telling everyone that he loves pornography and that he loves to masturbate. Come on, really. Taylor Swift stay away from him. John you don’t deserve anyone nice and you are going to be single for the rest of your life. I think you should hook up with Lindsay Lohan. Nobody wants her anymore. You’d be good together.

  2. Jay St. Orts permalink
    February 14, 2010 5:13 pm

    Art Garfunkel has/had a fantastic voice. Some of the harmonies on “Bookends” are among the best. Ever.

    Keening. Crystalline. Beautiful.

    “Kathy, I’m lost,” I said, though I knew she was sleeping
    I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why
    Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
    They’ve all gone to look for America
    All gone to look for America
    All gone to look for America


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