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Kevin Smith Deemed Too Bloated to Ride Airplane, a Fate for Which Jim Cameron’s Avatar Novel Now Seems Destined

February 16, 2010

Picture it: You’re running a little late for your Southwest Airlines flight out of LAX. You join the boarding line just behind the last few stragglers entering the gate. You’re now literally the last to board. The fear begins to mount that you will have to sit next to someone who’s going to make your long flight in coach even more uncomfortable.

You’re soon proven right. The only remaining seat is next to the most corpulent, bloated thing you’ve ever seen. You squiggle and squirm your way into the middle seat next to this thing by the window, and you quickly find that it spills over into your space with seemingly unchecked abandon. The excess is staggering. The flight is the longest three hours of your life.

Such will be the case later this year for any poor sap that has to sit next to the fattest, most gluttonous thing that will take to the skies this holiday season. I’m not talking about Kevin Smith, but rather Jim Cameron’s sure-to-be-swollen Avatar prequel novel.

If Cameron’s last two films are any indication, and there’s no reason to believe they won’t be, this thing will likely rival an encyclopedia set just in terms of sheer text. But it won’t stop there, of course. Cameron will likely invent new electronic book technologies that will render readers too busy saying, “Oooh, shiny!” to care much that his characters are paper-thin and his treatment of “important themes” is, to put it charitably, unsubtle. I’m predicting some sort of HD/CGI/LCD/3D hybrid technology that will provide ample visual stimulation/distraction. Hell, the book may even double a sex toy and/or a gardening implement.

What I’m saying is that Cameron’s a tad ambitious…in a quintessentially American, DeMille circus act sort of way, not that pretentious, limp-wristed (as many on this side of the Atlantic would have it) Fellini or Truffaut stuff. And when Cameron writes his first novel, and when it’s directly tied to the most commercially successful, most technologically grandiose movie of all time, look out—this baby’s gonna be a doozy. Cameron’s going to have to buy it a second ticket on Southwest Airlines, that’s for sure, and even then, it’s going to spill over into the next seat. Even worse, what if the poor aisle-mate has to be sandwiched between the director’s monumental ego AND his gloppy, hoggish, gadget-laden novel?!? There’ll be nothing left but a grease spot!

With this fun, much-Tweeted Kevin Smith business, Southwest has now set a “No fat famous people” precedent. I entreat them to apply those same standards to celebrities’ bloated creations as well.

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