The Glee Cast’s White House Performance and a Game of “What Might Have Been”

As reported on EW.com yesterday, the Obama administration has invited the cast of break-out FOX hit Glee to perform at this year’s annual White House Easter Egg Roll. The fictional but now real-life show choir will appear at the behest of Michelle, Sasha, and Malia Obama, all of whom are said to be big Glee fans (or “Gleeks,” as the show’s devotees sometimes identify themselves). The Glee stars are following in the footsteps of Fergie, who performed at last year’s Egg Roll festivities.

This news led me to think about who the slate of Easter performers would have been if John McCain had won the 2008 Presidential election. I put on my special cravat that allows me to determine once-hypothetical but now impossible outcomes, and this is the line-up that I saw in that nonexistent past, present, and future:

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2009: a reunited ABBA

It’s totally true—McCain loves him some ABBA. Look it up. If this one had happened, our Prez would have been a “Dancing Queen” out there on the White House lawn.

2010: Lee Greenwood

Had we seen this 2010 outcome instead of the Glee performance, the diminutive country singer would have been pelted with Easter eggs after cranking up his fourth straight rendition of “God Bless the USA.” He would have futilely protested, “But I didn’t bring the karaoke backing tracks for any other songs,” and then tried to resume bellowing about his pride to be an American. Upon which a gang of particularly rambunctious egg-rolling 9-year-olds would have repeatedly gut-punched Greenwood, despite the efforts of their parents to gladly stand up next to the singer and defend him still today.

2011: Toby Keith

Greasy Toby would have eaten all the eggs and attempted to burp the lyrics of that “boot in yer ass” song. Plans would have gone horribly awry when the noxious, sulfurous fumes emerging from Keith’s gaping egg-hole transformed into a sentient demon-cloud. After invading the nostrils of the assembled children and parents, Keith’s malodorous belch-fog would have caused among the throng a gruesome mixture of explosive incontinence, frothing at the mouth, and complete abandonment of their critical-thinking skills. Diagnosis: “Keith poisoning,” which is cross-listed with “blind, rabid patriotism” in most medical guidebooks. Outlook: Frequently harmful to American democracy, our standing in the world, and sufferers’ underwear.

2012: Cannibal Corpse

The pressure would have been building for this one because the entire Palin clan is widely rumored to be huge fans of CC’s 1999 album Bloodthirst, especially the tracks “Hacksaw Decapitation” and “The Spine Splitter.” President McCain, having already decided not to run for a second term, which would have taken him well past 110 years old, would have said, “Screw it, throw those Wasilla yuks a bone.” Cannibal Corpse would have played loud enough to shatter most of the eggs. Pastel-colored shell shards would have been sent flying into the soft, gooey brainpan of Secretary of Defense Rush Limbaugh, who would have been standing near the egg roll action, eagerly waiting to laugh at the kids who tripped and fell down. Kinda like what happened to Charlie in Flowers for Algernon, the injury would have mysteriously transformed the vitriolic former radio-host into a thoughtful, measured, compassionate, rational force within the McCain White House. At which point Limbaugh would have been fired.

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Overall, I’m pretty excited about the Glee performance at the White House. But I can’t help wishing that some of the outcomes listed above had been allowed to happen. Especially the shocking metamorphosis of Rush Limbaugh into a little cuddle bear.

Ah well, that’s what happens when you let people vote.