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Patti LaBelle Disses American Idol Judges — Who Should Be Next?

February 25, 2010

Patti LaBelle, also known as “Who?” to just about everybody under the age of 30, has recently gone on record saying that some of the American Idol judges are not qualified for their jobs. Actually she first said that she could NOT be an Idol judge because she couldn’t tell contestants that they sucked. And then she went right on to express the opinion that some of the Idol judges basically suck at their jobs.

I think there’s a Bible verse about this: “Judge not, lest ye be judged as unqualified to judge by someone who says she could never be a judge because of all the judging.” I think that’s in the Book of Timothy [Side note: I read somewhere that his friends always called him “Timmy Bible Guy,” to which Timothy would reply, “Jesus H. Christ, leave me alone! And all you guys with Jesus shut up too!”].

The question now becomes where LaBelle should next turn her insightful, if relatively inconsistent and self-serving, critical eye. A few suggestions for famous people who could/should receive LaBelle’s next criticisms about their lack of qualifications:

1. Antonio Banderas, who based on this photo seems no longer qualified for the “Hollywood sex symbol” label, at least until he shaves his gray beard. However, the facial Brillo pad does qualify Banderas to play the lead role in the Mel Gibson — Saddam Hussein dual biopic I’m currently developing. [It’s going to be an important film about anti-Semitism, I assure you. Call me, Antonio.]

2. Matthew Goode, who seems unqualified for most endeavors except saying things he thinks are puckish but are really rather smarmy. An actor stopping just short of saying that he’s the best and only good thing about one of his own movies, which Goode basically did in a recent discussion of the film Leap Year, doesn’t make him a reckless, dangerous throwback to the glory days when actors shunned the Hollywood P.R. machine. Well, maybe it does. But it also makes him kind of a taint. Kinda like Mel Gibson when he said…well, just about everything.

3. Chris Brown, who’s unqualified to comment on the Tiger Woods drama, but he did it anyway. Tiger, you gotta get on the phone and tell Brown to never say your name ever again. He’s not doing you any favors. It’s kinda like if you were accused of being anti-Semitic—would you want Mel Gibson to rush to your defense?

4. Mel Gibson. C’mon Patti—surely you’ve got something here too. The question is where do you start?

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