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Overheard: One Famous Person’s Thoughts on Another Famous Person’s Career Prospects

March 14, 2010

Ed. Note: This account may or may not be true, but if you ingest a sufficient amount of one or more psychotropic substances, you can at least envision it.

I was the 37th caller on Hott 107 FM’s “Morning Monkey Cage” show and won two tickets to last week’s Lakers – Raptors game at the Staples Center. Fourth row, center court. Those seats were sweet, and there were famous people all around me.

It was crazy—I ended up sitting behind Gabourey Sidibe! I’ve only met anybody even remotely famous once or twice, but I pride myself on not bugging somebody famous just because I’ve seen him or her on TV. So I nodded to Gaby and her companion when I sat down, but otherwise I left them alone.

But I eavesdropped like a son of a bitch.  I overheard a lot, and I found one exchange particularly interesting:

Gaby: Hey, there’s Dr. Melfi from the Sopranos. Across the court, front row. What’s her real name?

Friend: Lorraine Bracco? Something like that…

Gaby: Yeah, that’s it. Damn, she’s kinda let herself go, huh?

Friend: I know, right? Look at those wrinkles. And that hair—it looks like a mop soaked in motor oil!

Gaby: [Laughs loudly and joyfully]. Aw shit girl, that’s the funniest thing I heard all day!

Friend: You know what’s sad—I just don’t know how she’s going to get work anymore, looking like that.

Gaby: Yeah, she was hot on the Sopranos. She even looked good in Goodfellas, even with that crazy-ass 80s hair. But I mean, she’s still a good actor. It ‘s not like she’s a talentless hack or anything. I mean, it’s tougher for women of course. We have to put up with misogynistic, pencil-dick jagoffs like Howard Stern

Friend: And don’t forget that broke-down housecat sidekick of his, legitimizing the hateful crap he spews. I can just hear his ignorant fans now, “Well if it doesn’t piss Robin off, it can’t be racist and sexist, right?”

Gaby: True. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I mean, I think Dr. Melfi, I mean Lorraine Bracco, will still get work because she’s good. Stay positive—talent does get rewarded eventually.

Friend: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

I looked up and saw the person they were talking about. At first, it sure as hell looked like a junkie version of Lorraine Bracco. But it wasn’t.

Ironically enough, it was Howard Stern. But don’t worry—he’ll still get work too. Because sometimes a complete lack of any discernible talent gets rewarded too. I’m still figuring out how to parlay MY complete lack of noteworthy skills into something lucrative, but ol’ Howie sure has it figured out.

And besides, it doesn’t matter if his looks only qualify him for a career in being a scarecrow. He’s got a perfect face for radio.

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