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Betty White Set to Unleash the Power of the Pantsuit

March 23, 2010

I’ll say it right up front: I love Betty White. How can you not, right? Watch these clips—one, two, three, four, five—in succession like I did earlier today, and tell me you don’t love her too. Don’t even front.

When I watched those, I had tears in my eyes at the end, partly from how funny she is (her comedic timing remains genius and razor sharp) and partly from the sincerity and sweetness she exudes in abundance in the final clip. Betty White is a force for good, and we’re lucky to have her.

And man, she’s everywhere lately. It feels odd to describe an 88-year-old woman and massively lauded comedy veteran as an “overnight sensation,” but the label is at least somewhat apt when summing up White’s career resurgence in the last year or so.

These days, it’s undeniable: Betty White is a force to be reckoned with. She has serious mojo. She is filled with the Power of the Pantsuit.

And Jesse James, known until recently as “Who?” to everyone who stopped watching the Discovery Channel when it became the “Let’s Break Stuff All Siencey Like” Channel, had better watch the hell out.

The word is out that Betty White, if given the chance, would gladly unleash the Power of the Pantsuit all over James’ philandering ass. I guess the miasma of colors found in his mistress’s tattoos blinded James to the fact that Betty White starred with his wife, Sandra Bullock, in last year’s The Proposal. Apparently, the two women got along famously, such that Betty now wishes to defend her friend from any harm that may arise.

During the course of his third-grade education, I would have assumed that Jesse James learned that Momma Bear don’t like it when you mess with her cub. But obviously he didn’t. He’ll learn soon enough, though, because Betty White is the Queen Bee of Momma Bears.

Hey, stick with me! They’re just metaphors. Mixing them makes them more powerful.

Like I was saying, Betty White is the Queen Bee of Momma Bears. And personally, I’d love to see her unleash the Power of the Pantsuit all over Jesse James, sending him back to the obscurity he never should have been allowed to leave in the first place.

I’d buy tickets to that armwrestling match, and I’d bet on Betty every time and twice on Sundays. Even though Jesse James seems to like girls into “white power,” he damn sure can’t hang with “Betty White Power.”

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