The Entertation Index: April 5

Alba, Jessica – The Fantastic Four co-star, tending to a relatively new child herself, has expressed interest in adopting a child after being inspired by a family on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.  Although Alba would provide a financially stable household and lots of opportunities, this is how Oedipal Complexes are made.

Link: Alba Adopting? (Celebrity Gossip)

Bieber, Justin – Justin Bieber must be stopped.  He’s charmed Katy Perry, Beyonce, any girl you know under 18, and now Chelsea Handler.  Like Skynet’s learning, his appeal is growing at a geometric rate.  As a matter of national security, his adorableness must be neutralized before we all get Biebed.  Join The Resistance.

Link: Bieber Charms Chelsea (Idolator)

Gosselin, Kate – The Dancing With The Stars diva organized an Easter Egg hunt in Pennsylvania Saturday for her children.  If ever you hunt eggs with Gosselin and can’t find the last one, here’s a hint: remember where she was able to hide at least eight of them.

Link: Gosselin Egg Hunt (People)

James, Jesse – A moving van outside the house shared by Sandra Bullock and Jesse James sparked rumors of Bullock moving out.  It was all a misunderstanding: James reportedly called a confidant and asked how fast he could get “two buxom lasses” out of his house before Sandra got home, but the friend heard “two custom chassis.”

Link: Bullock Moving Out? (TMZ)

McDermott, Patrick – “Missing” since a 2005 fishing trip in California, Olivia Newton-John’s ex-boyfriend sent evidence to Dateline’s Philip Klein proving his existence in hopes that people will stop trying to find him.  Tila Tequila, on the other hand, is trying to alert people that she is still alive and to please please look at her.

Link: McDermott Alive (Popeater)

Penn, Kal – The House actor is leaving his job as President Obama’s associate director of public engagement to make a Christmas-themed Harold and Kumar movie.  Asked why the sudden departure, Penn supposedly said, “I somehow moved to a city with more arrogant pricks and fake assholes than L.A.”

Link: Penn Leaving D.C. (EW)