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The Entertation Index: May 3

May 3, 2010

Aubrey, Gabriel – The guy who dated Halle Berry for four years and fathered their child is telling People magazine that he is “sad” about their break-up.  (This is an appropriate response when ending a relationship with one of the hottest woman on the planet.)  Please do not rejoice, dear reader, because there is still no chance that your fantasy involving an emotionally vulnerable Berry/Aubrey falling for you after a chance meeting at a coffee shop will come true.

Link: Aubrey Sad (People)

Bullock, Sandra – America’s sweetheart and soon-to-be-ex Jesse James are selling their Long Beach, CA, home.  To potential buyers: check the closets for “fashion” models and porn stars who may have fallen asleep waiting to jump out and snap a quick video with James to sell as a sex tape.

Link: Bullock Moving (Popeater)

Lohan, Lindsay – No break in drama here!  Photographer Tyler Shields recently shot photos of Lohan in lingerie holding a gun to her mouth, occasionally smoking cigarettes, with legs spread, in a blood-spattered room.  He will supposedly call the series, “Spring Break in Juarez.”

Link: Lohan’s Photo Shoot (Bitten and Bound)

Paltrow, Gwyneth – The Iron Man actress says she was forced to eat tons of crap food for her part as a country singer in Love Don’t Let Me Down: “The director did not want me to have muscles so I was eating whatever I wanted, tons of alcohol and fried foods – it was great.”  I getcha, Gwyneth.  For the record, my upcoming audition as a down-on-his-luck country singer is the reason I’m wolfing two Whoppers, two large fries, and a six-pack of Old Style for lunch.

Link: Paltrow Likes the Fried-Fried (Huffington Post)

Pitt, Brad – A “source” tells Us that Pitt is “disgusted” and thinks his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston is “pathetic” for appearing on the cover of Architectural Digest.  See, when Jen and Brad were married, Jen had no interest in architecture but Brad did, and she totally knew he would see the cover because he’s into buildings and stuff, and she is going to make sure he regrets the divorce if it’s the last thing she….And there you have it, folks: proof that no detail is too small, no scuttlebutt too meaningless and speculative to print when it comes to this manufactured saga.  To paraphrase Plato, “Only the dead have seen the end of Brad-Jen.”

Link: Pitt Disgusted? (Newser)

Brad likes cats, so next up: Cat Fancy

Z, Jay- – Rumor has it that the rapper/businessman and Beyonce will be moving to a multimillion dollar home in Schuylkill County in rural Pennsylvania.  If true, Jay-Z’s 99 problems will include a zoning change for a private helipad, septic-tank issues, and spotty wi-fi access.

Link: Jay-Z, Beyonce to PA? (Long Island Press)

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