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They’re Alive! Wenlock and Mandeville, Repurposed

May 23, 2010

They're Alive!!!

New life forms were created this week, and many are calling the actions ill-advised and irresponsible.

I’m not talking about the Frankenstein science geeks who announced this week that they had created life on moldy cheese, or whatever it was that they did (who can be bothered with “understanding the details” when there’s so much outrage that must be voiced?).

No, I’m actually talking about Wenlock and Mandeville, the unfortunately named, deeply odd-looking new mascots for the 2012 London Olympics. Seriously, these guys creep me the eff out, and that’s just from the pictures. I haven’t even been able to bring myself to watch the videos embedded in articles such as this one, because I’m pretty sure significant psychological trauma will result from hearing these things speak in comically exaggerated English accents.

As much as I’d like to give the world a Superman-esque backward spin to a time before the advent of these silly creatures, I’ve yet to perfect that ability. Dare I say, however, that the 2012 Olympics deserve better. I therefore challenge the Olympics marketing folks to return to the drawing board and come up with new, less freaky mascots.

Being ever the pragmatists here at TBTS, we recognize that Wenlock and Mandeville, having now been created, can’t be unmade. To turn their backs on them now would make humanity rather irresponsible creators, don’t you think? Battlefield Earth aside, humanity has a solid track record of not creating things irresponsibly, and we can’t spoil that safety record now. So I’m here to offer some suggestions for ways these creatures and their images might be put to good use after they’re mercifully retired from their current Olympics roles:

1. Political careers. The Labour Party needs new blood.

2. Starring roles in a televised competition, modeled after Running Man, wherein Wenlock and Mandeville will literally fight to the death. Then Jesse Ventura comes in and kills whichever one survives the initial battle. The new show will be the breakout comedy hit of the new fall season.

3. The new bad guys on Yo Gabba Gabba. They can be used to teach American children that you should never trust anyone who “talks funny.”

4. A new brand of sex toys. To blatantly steal a joke from Patton Oswalt (at least I admit it), just because I’ve thought of this, that means that there’s already a market and an audience for the “Wenlock and Mandeville” fetish.

Please note that Suggestion 3 and Suggestion 4 are either/or propositions. I’m certainly not suggesting a Yo Gabba Gabba sex toy brand. Crap, now that market exists too!

5. Simon Cowell’s replacements on American Idol. And actually, this might combine well with Suggestion 4, as Cowell is already kind of a dildo.

  1. May 23, 2010 4:02 pm

    This certainly seems to be the consensus, but I think they are precious and I love their weird, historical, funky names. I suppose that I’m a freak, but I can’t wait to see more of them.


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