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A Gift for HRH Lindsay Lohan, In Her Time of Need

May 26, 2010

Her Grace's preferred greeting

HRH Lindsay Lohan:

Given the recent broadsides speaking ill of Your Royal Highness and the flagrant calumny spewed by antagonists foreign and domestic, I have prepared for Your Grace a small pamphlet that will aid her in navigating the rather tricky waters of interpersonal transactions outside of the Keep.  I have drawn attention to the situations most frequently encountered:

Court Proceedings: over the course of your tenure, you’ll be asked to appear in court to defend certain of your actions perceived to have broken “laws.”  (“Laws” are rules crafted for a bovine public, but should be considered suggestions for you.)  However, this public may become angry and envious at inadvertent displays of your innate superiority, and may demand that you follow their “laws.”  If you do not, and you continue to engage in activities like “enhanced driving” and “speaking to your muse” (“driving while intoxicated” and “using a controlled substance,” respectively, to your aspersers), you may be called before a “judge.”  A “judge” is one who adjudicates; that is, he or she distinguishes right from wrong.  There is no need to worry: you are always right, and the “judge” will see this.

–Example:  You recently traveled overseas for work, but your return for court was sabotaged.  (An aside: many unenlightened will never consider promoting your art “work.”  Ignore them.  John Adams said, “I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy…in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music…”  He was undoubtedly speaking of your frequent study of Bacchanalia aboard well-appointed yachts.)  Upon arrival at the court, you showed solidarity with the oppressed and unwashed by brandishing a new inked skin emblem.  (A masterstroke, even for Your Excellency!)  For meeting with the chancellor and displaying your humility, you were rewarded with an obsidian anklet, which while hideous and cumbersome and non-removable, stands as the largest and most highly-prized adornment offered by the proletariat.  Well done.

Wild Accusations: this is something you simply must expect, as you cannot control the actions or tongues of the chattering classes.  For instance, when a “prosecutor” (a sort of jester to the “judge”: see Court Proceedings above) is shown a picture containing both you and your muse, you must profess to know nothing of it.  When the “prosecutor” comments, “I hope that isn’t ‘cocaine’ in those pictures,” you must not reply “Oh yeah?  Well hope in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first!”  This rather coarse phrase used by the peasantry expresses the sentiment that hoping for an outcome won’t necessarily increase its chances.  You are unlikely to use this colloquialism correctly, so best to avoid it entirely.

Interacting With Subjects: if a supplicant approaches you for alms in public, perhaps at an alehouse or dining establishment, and gives a compliment, thank him by offering your drink directly to his face.  This should appease him.  If the beggar is upset by your gesture and does not graciously accept your gift, righteously and vigorously take the drink in your other hand and issue it to the offender’s face.  If you do not react immediately and harshly to this type of behavior, others will think it acceptable to approach you with gaze direct and head unbowed.  Such insolence must not be tolerated.

Kindest Lohan, please do not infer by my suggestions that your approach to the commoner is lacking in any way.  Quite the opposite.  I simply wish to ease your traversal through a populace and a world that misunderstands and fears genius.

It is with this gift that I humbly beseech your best wishes,

Lord Shorr

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