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A TBTS Good Idea™: Following Justin Bieber with the Next Great Teen Pop Star

May 30, 2010

Reuters reports that record execs and talent scouts are looking to cash in on the Bieb Monster’s massive fame and popularity by finding the next great teen pop star. I’m here to encourage these enterprising folks to look beyond the normal approaches and think creatively on this question.

I mean sure, they can sign a horde of Bieber look- and sound-alikes—giving us an armada of pasty kids with swooping haircuts and mature-beyond-their-years singing voices at the top of the Billboard 100. But isn’t that a little boring, a tad predictable? Why not go with a slightly less conventional choice?

Two words, people: Glenn Beck.

Now, you may be saying, “Glenn Beck? I thought he was a talk radio and TV host?” And, depending on your political leanings, you’re probably saying either, “He’s too busy telling it like it is about the socialist, illegitimate Obama administration,” or “He’s too busy being a simple-minded, raving, hate-filled, conspiracy-theorizing madman,” to have time to be America’s next great teen pop star. Oh, and you’re probably also saying, “He’s also in his 40s, so that won’t work either.”

Well, stop saying those things, because you’re wrong. Would I dare put the Good Idea™ stamp of approval on a Bad Idea? Of course not.

Beck clearly proved himself qualified to be our next teen pop icon on his radio show this week. If you haven’t heard the clip of his Malia Obama impersonation, you can check it out here. Once you do, you’ll certainly agree that Beck’s dulcet tones make him a can’t-miss prospect for teen pop stardom. What a sweet and mellifluous and uplifting performance that was. I’m absolutely convinced that the world needs more of Beck’s impersonation of a 12-year-old girl, and I’m starting to wonder if his true talents are being wasted in his current media gigs.

I’ve also got an urgent, time-sensitive suggestion for a sure-fire hit first single—for the sake of jumping into the market as quickly as possible, I think a popular American DJ (no foreigners, please) should sample Beck’s “plug the hole” audio clip, lay down a fat dance-pop beat underneath it, and call the bumping new track “Daddy, Why?” by Glenia Obecka. We’re looking at Number One with a bullet within just a few weeks.

The second single should be a sensitive, soul-baring ballad, which will make the best use of our star's ability to cry on cue.

So there you have it. I’ve got a lot going on right now, so I’m not looking to be Obecka’s manager or publicist. But I’ve clearly given some enterprising, ambitious label exec all the tools he or she needs to rocket to the top of the music world. All I’m asking for is a small finder’s fee.

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