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A TBTS Good Idea™: Ozzy Osbourne in The Next Hangover

June 17, 2010

Hollywood is looking for box office love in all the wrong places.

CNN reports that movie studio execs would like nothing more than to recreate the surprise, hugely profitable success of The Hangover, last year’s raunchy, relatively low-budget smash hit directed by Todd Phillips. But of course lightning rarely strikes twice, especially when the original seems likely to (or has already) become the formula for countless, likely inferior successors that are billed, rather desperately, as the “next Hangover.

I’m here to offer the theory that you won’t find the next Hangover-esque profit machine by remaking the original or excessively marketing a movie that’s kinda like the original but not as good. Not even the Hangover sequel, set for a May 2011 release, will recapture the same magic. The Hangover 2 will probably be a huge hit, but its success certainly won’t be a surprise, and as its budget will likely be greatly inflated compared to the first film, it won’t turn massive profits nearly as easily.

You wouldn't believe how easily I found a picture in which Ozzy Osbourne looks like a zombie. You know why? Because he's a zombie.

You know what would turn those mad profits? A documentary called The Next Hangover, in which Ozzy Osbourne’s secret to longevity is finally confirmed: he’s a zombie.

It was reported this week that geneticists are studying Ozzy’s blood to determine if there are genetic distinctions among those who survive extended substance abuse compared to the general population. As the Huffington Post headline termed it, scientists are studying “Osbourne’s blood to understand why he’s still alive.”

As anyone who has seen The Osbournes or any of Ozzy’s other media appearances in recent years, the answer to that question is clear: He’s not alive. Nor is he dead, obviously. He’s a zombie.

An enterprising film crew should get in that lab right now and start filming. Bring Zombie Ozzy in to hang out with the nerdy scientists. Show him lumbering around like Frankenstein, drinking copious amounts of hydrochloric acid just to get a tiny buzz, and occasionally murdering a hapless researcher and feasting on his brains. Show the scientists working in mortal fear at first, but slowly becoming fond of their undead lab partner and beginning to nourish his lingering humanity. Show the gradual civilization of Zombie Ozzy, such that he no longer severs the scientists’ carotid arteries with his rotting but resilient teeth, cracks open their craniums like coconuts, and then makes a refreshing summer salad out of their cerebellums. Show the relationship between Ozzy and the scientists growing to the level of deep, profound brotherhood during a zany, very Hollywood-esque road trip. To Miami. During Christmas. With a porn convention in town.

OK, I recognize that that no longer sounds like a documentary. So make it a mockumentary. Who cares? You’ve got male bonding between a bunch of geeks and a freakin’ undead Ozzy Osbourne surrounded by tanned and toned T&A. You’ve got a zombie-horror movie, and a “perils of scientific discovery” movie, and a road movie, and a Christmas movie, and a beach movie/sex romp all in one.

All that translates to box office love out the wazoo. Screw Todd Phillips: money-wise, The Next Hangover starring Ozzy Osbourne just might make a run at Jim Cameron.

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