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Dina Lohan No Longer Allowed to Exploit Lindsay for Free Carvel Ice Cream

June 20, 2010

Whale-fare queen?

The gravy train, or at least the butterfat and brickle trolley, has reached its terminus for Dina Lohan, mother of tabloid all-star Lindsay Lohan.  Last week Ma Lohan attempted to use Lindsay’s Carvel Black Card, a perk from Carvel’s Ice Cream which gives celebrities 75 years of free ice cream, to pick up frozen nom-noms gratis for her son Cody’s 14th birthday party.  Problem is, only the celebrity whose name is listed on the card can use it, the idea being that the publicity generated by such sightings is worth the cost.  Since no one gives a shit about relatives of celebrities and probably wouldn’t know them by sight anyway, Carvel doesn’t extend the free treats to them.  Which made Dina Lohan mad.  Which made the Carvel store manager mad.  So mad that “he almost pushed the cake off the counter and he wouldn’t give the card back, so we called police…It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen,” Lohan said.  Dina got the card back but reportedly can no longer use it.

The most ridiculous thing Dina Lohan’s ever seen: an angry employee.  Not a bear riding a motorcycle or The Privacy Scarf, but an ice cream store manager, whose performance reviews probably depend upon net profits, not wanting to give free stuff away to the moocher mom of a celebrity now famous for all the wrong reasons.  Well, in honor of our highly-entertaining First Family of Dysfunction, we suggest a new Carvel cake to sit alongside old favorites Fudgie the Whale and Cookiepuss (h/t to Patton Oswalt): the Lohanimal (or the Rocky Bottom).

The Lohanimal will look great and be quite popular early on.  However, as the cake gets more exposure and sits in the display case with lights on it 24 hours a day, it will begin to dry out, crack, and get stale.  The confection will then be infused with vodka and other “special ingredients” that generate interest again, but will make it inedible.  (Meanwhile, a newer, fresher Lohan cake will be in the works, but it will probably turn out the same.)  It will be taken off the menu, the alcohol allowed to evaporate, and then be put back into rotation.  The color of the icing will change and fancy new decorations will appear, but customers will know it’s the same old cake.  Still with no interest, the Lohanimal will be sent to down-market stores, where it will eventually be given away free to non-celebrities, eaten without fanfare.  A fitting end?

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