TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending July 17, 2010)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston On Reality TV:

This will come as a shock.  Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol and her ex-boyfriend-now-fiancée Levi Johnston, who deserves the fame he has “earned” and all its trappings, are reportedly pitching concepts for reality shows.  While there are all sorts of ideas floating around, most seem to focus on them, their son Tripp, and “parenting issues.”  This could be super-instructive for you scaredy-‘rents out there who worry about raising your children since Bristol and Levi, both 20 years old and thus endowed with mung-tons of life experience, will have answers to all your questions.  By the way, here are the answers: get knocked up unmarried at 17 right before your mom has to advocate abstinence on a VERY big stage, have a nasty and public falling out with your baby daddy who will then pose for Playgirl, have all related parties crush each other in the press, then get back together and live happily ever after.  See?  And you thought marriage was hard.  Just watch Levistol (which will probably also be the name of a cholesterol drug marketed during the show’s commercials) to find out how wrong you were!

2. Courteney Cox Uses Botox:

If only I could smile more to show how happy I am.

In an interview with InStyle, Courteney Cox admits to using Botox to stave off wrinkles and other signs of being a regular person: “Aging gracefully is one thing, but trying to slow it down is another. Sometimes I use Botox and some NYC Juvederm Voluma facial fillers. Compared to most, I use it very sparingly…I don’t have a problem with any of that stuff; if it makes you feel better about yourself and it’s done properly, then fine.”  I don’t care if Courteney Cox uses Botox.  I also understand that in Hollywood a woman’s physical appearance is, unfortunately, about her only guarantee for continued employment.  Still, it seems a little disingenuous to try to thread the needle between aging gracefully and slowing down aging gracefully.  That’s a politic way of saying you don’t want to age, even if it is gracefully.  Maybe it’s a reluctance to bite the hand the feeds, but just say it, honey.  You’ve probably got enough money to weather any storm that may come of it, and we’re behind you anyway.

3. Ben Affleck Gets Fab Abs in New Movie!:

Huffington Post wants you to know that Ben Affleck directs “AND” stars in upcoming movie The Town.  (AND is in caps and quotations because that’s how HuffPo decided to indicate to you, dim reader, that a person has both acted in AND directed a movie, an apparently groundbreaking event.)  More importantly, however, is that Baffleck has gotten totally ripped abs.  I don’t know about you, but if I am asked by a studio or director to get in superb shape to portray a character. and a nutritionist and personal trainer will be provided gratis for me to do so, I’m jumping on it.  Same for any other neat skill I’ll be paid to acquire.  Martial arts?  Sign me up.  Evasive driving?  Start the engine.  Learn Farsi?  Rosetta Stone or Pimsleur, either one’s fine.  This is cool stuff that most people pay other people to learn, so being paid to do it shouldn’t be considered dedication or shrewdness.  It should be considered completely obvious and non-stupid and part of your job.

4. More Mel Gibson News:

There might be more to this story than meets the eye.  Isn’t there always?  He still seems like a giant taint, though.

Thanks, entertainment media, for congratulating actors for doing their jobs!