The Entertation Index: August 27

Bros — Even though the summer’s winding down, many music festivals are still in full swing or on the horizon. Denver Westword, for your reading pleasure, has compiled a field guide of the bros spottable at the festival in your own neck of the woods. Feel free to put “hos” before any of these guys.

Link: 10 Kinds of Bros You’ll Find at a Music Festival (Denver Westword)

Forte, Will — Reports yesterday emerged that MacGruber himself, Will Forte, will be tapping out of SNL. The former Groundling and eight-season vet says he’s leaving on amicable terms to pursue other opportunities. Although I’m not sure how many other opportunities in mainstream media will allow gratuitious male-male kissing, spandex unitards or senseless, guttural singing. But we wish him best of luck anyway; he was a bright, absurd star of the show’s current, often-lackluster era.

Link: Will Forte Quits SNL, Leaves Behind His Five Best Moments (MTV)

Franzen, Jonathan — While the rest of us have to wait until August 31 to pick up our copies of novelist Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, it seems that if you’re the President, and you go to Martha’s Vineyard, someone might just slip you a copy. Publishers went nuts after he was spotted leaving a bookstore with the unreleased novel. All I know is this — if that guy gets to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn before me and ruins the ending, I swear to God I will move to Canada.

Link: Selfish Barack Obama Gets to Read the Franzen Book Before You (The L Magazine)

Montag, Heidi — In an eye-opening interview in gossip rag Life & Style Magazine, public relations nightmare Heidi Montag speaks on how her obsession with plastic surgery ended her relationship with awesome husband Spencer Pratt, saying that her body was so out of whack that Pratt “had to pull down her pants so she could go to the bathroom.” We here at the Index had no idea she was so reliant upon Pratt to churn out episodes of The Hills.

Link: Spencer Had to Pull Down Heidi’s Pants So She Could Go to the Bathroom (HuffPo)

Palin, Bristol — The single mom and unwed daughter of 2008 Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is said to be mulling an offer to join the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. This should be a lesson to all you young people out there. Even if no one wants the reality show you’ve been shopping around for months, if you wish really really hard, someday your mom will pull some strings with a major network to get you on a flash-in-the-pan TV dancing contest. Now go get ’em!

Link: Bristol Palin Eyes “Dancing with the Stars” (ABC)

U2 — U2’s first ever concert in Russia was met with controversy after police arrested Amnesty International activists cleared by the band at Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium. Then Bono’s friend Apollo Creed died fighting a Russian boxer in Las Vegas and Bono went into the wilderness to train for two years before defeating the Russian on Christmas Day.

Link: Activists Arrested at u2’s First-Ever Russian Show (Rolling Stone)

Yuk! Who would want THIS?

Van Gogh, Vincent — I love a good art heist story, and here’s one out of Egypt: a billionaire wireless network magnate is offering a reward of a million Egyptian pounds for information which may lead to the whereabouts of the stolen Vincent Van Gogh painting “Poppy Flowers” stolen from a Giza museum on Saturday. Suspects have been detained, but as of this printing the artwork remains Vincent Van Gone. See what I did there? Eh. It’s Friday.

Link: Reward Offered in Case of Missing van Gogh Painting (NY Times)