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Things That Should Not Be: Textees

September 2, 2010

Have you ever sent a text that you didn’t mean to send, or sent one to the wrong person?  Oh, wow.  I didn’t expect you to say “YES!” so emphatically, and…no, I don’t want to see it.  I’m sure it’s funny and really embarrassing, but…OKAY.  I promise I’ll check out Texts From Last Night and search for “poop chute.”  Two words, I got it.

This, somehow, is a more dignified treatment of a thumb.

Alright, if you’ve ever sent an errant text due to fat-finger, there’s a product for you.  Unfortunately, it’s a finger-condom, complete with receptacle tip.  Called a Textee, it “solves” the “problem” of accidental digital messaging by giving your thumb a nipple.  Being seen using one of these is probably five times more mortifying than the most offensive unintentional missive you’ve ever sent.  The company needs to make these in inconspicuous flesh colors rather than bright purple and lime green that actually draw attention to your thumb in bondage gear.

Don’t take it from me, though.  Watch the video and enjoy the dopest beats and freshest rhymes since Life Is…Too $hort.  It’s unclear exactly what’s happening at the beginning, but two scenarios seem likely:

  1. The guy sends the right text to the wrong woman: “Meet up, ur home 2nite?”  In this case, he has chosen the wrong contact.  (You’re triple-timing them anyway, so they probably have a right to be mad.)  This is something that I guess could be fixed by a Textee, especially if he has saved his ladies’ names as “Booty1,” “Booty2,” and “Booty3,” or if their names happen to be “Tish,” “Tisha,” and “Tiesha.”  If that’s the issue, assign them different names beginning with letters far apart in the alphabet.  Problem solved, without an embarrassing thumb-prophylactic.
  2. The guy sends the wrong text to the right woman: “Me up ur hole 2nite?”  In this case of texting haste, the gentleman has missed a few characters and included a few wrong ones, and has forgotten Rule #1 in written communication: proof-read.  This isn’t a damn philosophy paper.  It’s a three sentence entreaty to hook up.  It’s worth spending two seconds to read over a booty call before you send.  This is so important, in fact, that I suggest a texting-proofreading PSA for teens called “Scan It Before You Transmit,” complete with mascot Wordsie, an “@” symbol with large eyes and friendly demeanor who warns of the dangers of sloppy and irresponsible texting.  This is a terrible slogan, and the whole campaign will be laughed at ignored by young people everywhere.
  3. The guy sends a completely unintelligible text to a random person: “Mx yz ptlk.”  Normally harmless, but he has accidentally sent it to Mister Mxyzptlk who must be tricked into texting his own name backwards to be banished back to the Fifth Dimension.  Until then, the texter will be subjected to never-ending, outlandish extra-dimensional pranks, like having “Balls” written on his forehead.  (Yes, I said above that there were two probable scenarios.  To be exhaustive, I have included this third, ridiculously improbable one.)

That said, if Textees help you avoid such embarrassing, face-slapping misunderstandings, go for it.  Our main concern here at TBTS is that, no matter how it’s done, you practice safe text.

More Things That Should Not Be

The Privacy Scarf
Motorized Ice Cream Cone

Underwater Cell Phone
The Snuggie for Dogs

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