Katy Perry Appears with Elmo on Sesame Street, Adult Male Viewership Increases

Sesame St., now an alley with bars you must know passwords to enter.

Parents, prepare to be enraged.  Not months after Wendys poisoned your children’s minds with a CD including a questionable word, a pop music princess has appeared on Sesame Street in an outfit that was not a wool dress extending from chin to heel.  Not only was Katy Perry not covered head to toe, but she dared to show cleavage, a phenomenon that occurs when many women (and some men) wear tops that are not turtlenecks.  She even attempted to “play” with Elmo, who ran away when Perry began to sing a more suitable version of her song “Hot N Cold.”

This is far more deplorable than a suggestive song lyric.  Kids hearing a word they didn’t know was “bad” before mom and dad made it such a big deal must have language skills and some social context in order to be offended by such tongue trysters.  Viewing two barely covered boobies, however, activates innate “umbrage” pathways in the developing brain, inexorably leading 100% of children who see them to lives of crime and lasciviousness, or fearfulness and feebleness.  Just watch poor, innocent Elmo, who can barely put a sentence together when Perry appears.  While it is possible he was shocked by her wedding veil—after all, some dudes get freaked out by that kind of stuff—it was more likely Perry’s shameless sort-of-display of a body part possessed by nearly every woman (and some men) on the planet.

“But it’s not appropriate for children of such a young age to see them!” say critics.  Except for the 75% of children who have ever been breastfed and another 24% who will accidentally see part of a breast while their parents watch CSI or Dancing With The Stars, they’re correct.  They’re called dirtypillows for a reason, people, and are more dangerous—and powerful—than you can possibly imagine.  In fact, if you’re reading this and you innocently clicked on the link to the “Hot N Cold” video, you probably unwittingly contaminated your children with boobie-cooties, since cleavage has a distinct electromagnetic frequency that children can sense when it is broadcast, internetted, or even imagined.  Your toddlers right now are probably starting fires and boosting cars, all because Katy Perry refused a scarf.  And for the God’s sake, if you love your children, don’t watch this video featuring Katy Perry and flagrant violations of the generally accepted rules of sushi-eating while rock climbing.

We at TBTS understand your concerns regarding the sexification of children’s TV.  When Sesame Street has become a purveyor of filth by showing slightly more skin than a pastor’s wife, it’s time to turn elsewhere.  Perhaps children’s shows in stuffy Catholic countries like Brazil or Spain will offer the young viewer a less prurient form of entertainment.  In the meantime I shall register my complaint with the network, and so that you may sleep soundly, I will request to speak with Ms. Perry privately regarding this matter.