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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending September 25, 2010)

September 25, 2010

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1. Kim Kardashian Likes Ice Cream:

What will the Ben and Jerry's flavor named after her be?

Kardashian’s latest European jaunt gave paparazzi several opportunities to photograph her eating ice cream.  The cultural importance of this cannot be overemphasized.  Kim is a person, and every single person in the world likes ice cream; therefore, Kim likes ice cream, making her exactly like every person in the world.  Some of you will say, “But what about the lactose intolerant?”  And I will respond, “What about them?  They still like ice cream, they just can’t eat it without producing geysers of diarrhea.  Which, depending on the ice cream, would entirely be worth it.”

What we must think about more deeply, though, is how and why Kim allowed herself to be photographed so many times engaging in such a private activity.  Next the papers will be publishing stories about her not just eating ice cream, but enjoying it, which could be the reason she’s eating it in the first place.  We hope Kim is ready for the cascade of stories this will generate: Kim eating other sweets, Kim enjoying other sweets, etc.  It won’t end until the tabloids hurl reckless accusations that Kim eats and enjoys other foods in general.  You know where it goes from there Kim.  God speed.

2. Britney Spears’ Tweets Have Not Given Her Unlimited Power:

Scientists at Northwestern University discovered through a study that they actually conducted (rather than dress up horse sense as an “academic paper”) that celebrities who have zillions of followers hold very little real Twitter influence.  Apparently, just because Famous Person sends out dozens of tweets a day about whole-wheat bagels or shopping at a great junk store doesn’t mean Mr./Ms. Person is more powerful than you can possibly imagine.  In fact, the more influential Tweeters, i.e. those who impact trending topics and popular, tend to be lower profile users who are considered experts in their respective fields.  In other words, people who actually know shit about something.  Who knew?  Now, scientists, I suggest you further test your “low-influence” hypothesis by tweeting something bad about Justin Bieber.

3. Ashton and Demi in Sort-of Sex Scandal:

Well, maybe not a sex “scandal” yet.  Call them “accusations” for the time being.  Ashton Kutcher has been accused by a couple folks of sleeping around on Demi Moore.  I could put a link here, but just google it and you’ll find about a thousand.  Read a few.  Notice a few similarities?  No real evidence yet, and most of the speculation is about how the couple’s age difference of 15-ish years doomed the relationship.  Never mind that they have been married for five years, or that if age/looks were the issue, that Demi Moore is now known mostly for, um, not looking her age (as meaningless and offensive as that phrase may be).  Also never mind that lots of marriages with significant age differences work out fine, and lots of Hollywood marriages with no or little age differences have dissolved.  (Again, just google that topic and you’ll find dozens.)  Maybe Ashton is a cheating dog, but until some solid proof shows up, the press should aim its fire elsewhere.  And even if the accusations end up being true, your life will most likely not be changed.

4. Football Gets To It:

Most college teams have started their conference schedules, and if your NFL team goes winless through this next week, you can almost kiss the playoffs goodbye.

Thanks, entertainment media, for showing the proles it’s now okay to like ice cream!

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