The Entertation Index: September 27

Carey, Drew – By hitting the gym regularly and cutting out carbs, the famous funnyman and Price Is Right host has lost 80 pounds and virtually eliminated his diabetes.  Carey is so devoted to his new healthy lifestyle that he will revise his book Dirty Jokes and Beer and reprint it as Mildly Amusing But Heartwarming Observational Humor and Diet Vitamin Water.

Link: Carey Cuts Down (People)

Colbert later "infiltrated" Hanoi Jane to help Congress' investigation of workout videos.

Colbert, Stephen – The star of The Colbert Report appeared before Congress last week to speak on issues faced by U.S. agricultural workers.  Drawing from his extensive farming experience, which involved one day spent pickling vegetables, Colbert was the source of both laughs and consternation.  Since celebrity testimony tends to draw attention to important issues, Congress is scheduling Charlie Sheen of Two and A Half Men to speak on the importance of marriage and staying drug-free; and has asked South Park’s Cartman to weigh in on childhood obesity.

Link: Colbert Before Congress (Yahoo)

Franco, James – Franco revealed recently that he scored a D in an acting class at NYU.  As you can see, this grade destroyed his future, and he never made anything of himself and never worked in film.  Work hard and stay in school, kids.

Link: Franco Nearly Failed Acting Class (Showbiz 411)

Gibson, Mel – An agreement between Gibson and baby-momma Oksana Grigorieva was supposed to insure that she turn over all “evidence” to him, most importantly the damning audio tapes of Gibson’s rants released earlier this year.  In addition to boatloads of cash, Gibson agreed to give Oksana all “profits” from her album, which totaled…$17,112, about the same amount Mel spent on cell phone overages making obscene phone calls.

Link: Gibson-Grigorieva Settlement (TMZ)

Greene, Ashley – The Twilight actress was reportedly seen at an erotic boutique in Hollywood checking out lingerie, sex books, and toys.  Though Greene left empty-handed, a store employee figures she will send an assistant back to buy items since celebrities often don’t purchase such things in person.  Since Greene currently dates purity-ring proponent Joe Jonas, it’s possible that Jonas’ assistant will be tasked with having sex with her.

Link: Greene Visits Nookie Store (Hollywood Life)

Knoxville, Johnny – The Jackass actor and girlfriend Naomi Nelson married last Friday, according to a source.  Their ceremony reportedly featured the couple being fired out of a cannon into a wedding cake made of junked cars.

Link: Knoxville Marries (PopEater)