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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 2, 2010)

October 2, 2010

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1. Snooki to Write a Book:

This is apparently not a joke, but neither should it be a surprise.  If the Jersey Shore participants have good agents, they’ll milk every possible money-making opportunity before their  stars fade.  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is doing just that, raking in $5,000,000 (yes, that’s millions) this year from TV and live appearances, workout videos, supplements, and more.

Why shouldn’t Snooki get in on the action?  A book deal, one that’s essentially going to be biographical fiction, is perfect.  It’ll be ghost-written by a recent English major grad in need of a job who will be forced to start each chapter with “We were all really messed up on Ron-Ron juice…” so that Snooki can recite such passages convincingly during readings on her publicity tour.  Snooki will have to do very little besides show up at book-signing events and pose for a dust jacket picture.  You, dear reader, will announce smugly that you’ll never read such trash, but morbid curiosity will make you sneak a copy into a coffee house, but you’ll get caught with it by people whose opinions you respect and you’ll be kicked out of your book club.  You’ll realize that simply by checking out Snooki’s book, you helped her achieve the new American dream of doing nothing constructive and becoming a rich reality TV star who has been elevated above teachers, police officers, and garbage collectors, i.e. people who actually contribute something to society.  Now please, put the gun down.

2. Heidi Montag Calls Off Divorce:

Something’s different, isn’t it?  The air’s a little cooler, the foliage is a little brighter, and everything just seems…better.  Is it autumn’s arrival, promises of the harvest, the return of long sleeves?  No, it’s that Heidi and Spencer kept their mugs out of the press for a couple months.  Well, they’re back.

See, Speidi were totes crazy for each other even though they had a sort of love-hate relationship and a did-they-or-didn’t-they marriage in Mexico which tons of people thought was fakesies but turns out was real and they became even bigger assholes and showed up everywhere saying stupid things and Spencer grew a stupid beard and Heidi became a human injection mold and then people got fed up with them and Heidi moved out and Spencer stole a sex tape and went to Costa Rica to reflect and got arrested there on a weapons charge and now he “realizes” he’s been a complete fuck-up his entire life and Speidi wants to be one flesh again.

This problem has a very simple starve-the-beast solution: no more attention from here on out.  It only encourages them.

Grosser than a meat dress? You decide!

3. Lady Gaga Wears Some Crazy Shit:

I’ll admit that I like some Lady Gaga songs.  It’s not her songs, though, that have launched her to the top of the charts, since they’re for the most part standard pop fare with some slick production.  Her over-the-top public persona is the driving force behind her popularity (or infamy), and in today’s ADHD culture, she’s got to keep shocking in order to remain relevant and paid.  So another day, another dollar, another weirdo outfit.

This time it’s a dress made of strawberry blonde hair because why shouldn’t it be?  A dress made out of meat is so mid-September, and a dress made of Kermit The Frogs is positively quaint!  She has put herself in a situation where she must constantly raise the bar on ridiculous spectacle, so what’s next?  Though I’m sure her team will concoct something truly nuts, a dress made of her own internal organs would be quite the statement.

4. White House Changes Things Up:

Some guy named Rahm wants to be the sausage king of Chicago or wants to sing Danke Schoen in a parade or something.

Thanks, entertainment media, for ruining fall with more Speidi!

TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 2, 2010)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1. Snooki to Write a Book:

This is apparently not a joke, but neither should it be a surprise.  If the Jersey Shore participants have good agents, they’ll milk every possible money-making opportunity before their stars fade. http://snarkfood.com/snooki-to-write-a%E2%80%A6-book-seriously/39536/ .  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is doing just that, raking in $5,000,000 (yes, that’s millions) this year from TV and live appearances, workout videos, supplements, and more.

Why shouldn’t Snooki get in on the action?  A book deal, one that’s essentially going to be biographical fiction, is perfect.  It’ll be ghost-written by a recent English major grad in need of a job who will be forced to start each chapter with “We were all really messed up on Ron-Ron juice…” so that Snooki can recite such passages convincingly during readings on her publicity tour. Snooki will have to do very little besides show up at book-signing events and pose for a dust jacket picture.  You, dear reader, will announce smugly that you’ll never read such trash, but morbid curiosity will make you sneak a copy into a coffee house, but you’ll get caught with it by people whose opinions you respect and you’ll be kicked out of your book club.  You’ll realize that simply by checking out Snooki’s book, you helped her achieve the new American dream of doing nothing constructive and becoming a rich reality TV star who has been elevated above teachers, police officers, and garbage collectors, i.e. people who actually contribute something to society.  Now please, put the gun down.

2. Heidi Montag Calls Off Divorce:

Something’s different, isn’t it?  The air’s a little cooler, the foliage is a little brighter, and everything just seems…better.  Is it autumn’s arrival, promises of the harvest, the return of long sleeves?  No, it’s that Heidi and Spencer kept their mugs out of the press for a couple months.  Well, they’re back. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/30/heidi-montag-calls-off-di_n_745452.html

See, Speidi were totes crazy for each other even though they had a sort of love-hate relationship and a did-they-or-didn’t-they marriage in Mexico which tons of people thought was fakesies but turns out was real and they became even bigger assholes and showed up everywhere saying stupid things and Spencer grew a stupid beard and Heidi became a human injection mold and then people got fed up with them and Heidi moved out and Spencer stole a sex tape and went to Costa Rica to reflect and got arrested there on a weapons charge and now he “realizes” he’s been a complete fuck-up his entire life and Speidi wants to be one flesh again.

This problem has a very simple starve-the-beast solution: no more attention from here on out.  It only encourages them.

3. Lady Gaga Wears Some Crazy Shit:

I’ll admit that I like some Lady Gaga songs.  It’s not her songs, though, that have launched her to the top of the charts, since they’re for the most part standard pop fare with some slick production.  Her over-the-top public persona is the driving force behind her popularity (or infamy), and in today’s ADHD culture, she’s got to keep shocking in order to remain relevant and paid.  So another day, another dollar, another weirdo outfit.

This time it’s a dress made of strawberry blonde hair http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/09/30/lady-gaga-hair-dress/ because why shouldn’t it be? A dress made out of meat is so mid-September http://popwatch.ew.com/category/awards-festivals-events/video-music-awards/ , and a dress made of Kermit The Frogs http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://thestylepenguin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Lady-GaGa-Kermit-the-Frog.jpg&imgrefurl=http://thestylepenguin.com/2009/07/24/im-a-member-petsa/&usg=__SpoyT34tSwCXUXWG8xDxzZTwud8=&h=576&w=720&sz=95&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=vtr1PcS2KiikeM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=149&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlady%2Bgaga%2Bkermit%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26sa%3DX%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26biw%3D1440%26bih%3D714%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=292&vpy=105&dur=3276&hov

TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 2, 2010)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.       Snooki to Write a Book:

This is apparently not a joke, but neither should it be a surprise.  If the Jersey Shore participants have good agents, they’ll milk every possible money-making opportunity before their  stars fade. http://snarkfood.com/snooki-to-write-a%E2%80%A6-book-seriously/39536/ .  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is doing just that, raking in $5,000,000 (yes, that’s millions) this year from TV and live appearances, workout videos, supplements, and more.

Why shouldn’t Snooki get in on the action?  A book deal, one that’s essentially going to be biographical fiction, is perfect.  It’ll be ghost-written by a recent English major grad in need of a job who will be forced to start each chapter with “We were all really messed up on Ron-Ron juice…” so that Snooki can recite such passages convincingly during readings on her publicity tour.  Snooki will have to do very little besides show up at book-signing events and pose for a dust jacket picture.  You, dear reader, will announce smugly that you’ll never read such trash, but morbid curiosity will make you sneak a copy into a coffee house, but you’ll get caught with it by people whose opinions you respect and you’ll be kicked out of your book club.  You’ll realize that simply by checking out Snooki’s book, you helped her achieve the new American dream of doing nothing constructive and becoming a rich reality TV star who has been elevated above teachers, police officers, and garbage collectors, i.e. people who actually contribute something to society.  Now please, put the gun down.

2. Heidi Montag Calls Off Divorce:

Something’s different, isn’t it?  The air’s a little cooler, the foliage is a little brighter, and everything just seems…better.  Is it autumn’s arrival, promises of the harvest, the return of long sleeves?  No, it’s that Heidi and Spencer kept their mugs out of the press for a couple months.  Well, they’re back. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/30/heidi-montag-calls-off-di_n_745452.html

See, Speidi were totes crazy for each other even though they had a sort of love-hate relationship and a did-they-or-didn’t-they marriage in Mexico which tons of people thought was fakesies but turns out was real and they became even bigger assholes and showed up everywhere saying stupid things and Spencer grew a stupid beard and Heidi became a human injection mold and then people got fed up with them and Heidi moved out and Spencer stole a sex tape and went to Costa Rica to reflect and got arrested there on a weapons charge and now he “realizes” he’s been a complete fuck-up his entire life and Speidi wants to be one flesh again.

This problem has a very simple starve-the-beast solution: no more attention from here on out.  It only encourages them.

3.       Lady Gaga Wears Some Crazy Shit:

I’ll admit that I like some Lady Gaga songs.  It’s not her songs, though, that have launched her to the top of the charts, since they’re for the most part standard pop fare with some slick production.  Her over-the-top public persona is the driving force behind her popularity (or infamy), and in today’s ADHD culture, she’s got to keep shocking in order to remain relevant and paid.  So another day, another dollar, another weirdo outfit.

This time it’s a dress made of strawberry blonde hair http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/09/30/lady-gaga-hair-dress/ because why shouldn’t it be?  A dress made out of meat is so mid-September http://popwatch.ew.com/category/awards-festivals-events/video-music-awards/ , and a dress made of Kermit The Frogs http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://thestylepenguin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Lady-GaGa-Kermit-the-Frog.jpg&imgrefurl=http://thestylepenguin.com/2009/07/24/im-a-member-petsa/&usg=__SpoyT34tSwCXUXWG8xDxzZTwud8=&h=576&w=720&sz=95&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=vtr1PcS2KiikeM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=149&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlady%2Bgaga%2Bkermit%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26sa%3DX%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26biw%3D1440%26bih%3D714%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=292&vpy=105&dur=3276&hovh=201&hovw=251&tx=123&ty=120&ei=rw2mTM-YD8L68Aap68j4AQ&oei=rw2mTM-YD8L68Aap68j4AQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=32&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0 is positively quaint!  She has put herself in a situation where she must constantly raise the bar on ridiculous spectacle, so what’s next?  Though I’m sure her team will concoct something truly nuts, a dress made of her own internal organs would be quite the statement.

4.       White House Changes Things Up:

Some guy named Rahm wants to be the sausage king of Chicago or wants to sing Danke Schoen in a parade or something.

Thanks, entertainment media, for ruining fall with more Speidi!

h=201&hovw=251&tx=123&ty=120&ei=rw2mTM-YD8L68Aap68j4AQ&oei=rw2mTM-YD8L68Aap68j4AQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=32&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0 is positively quaint!  She has put herself in a situation where she must constantly raise the bar on ridiculous spectacle, so what’s next?  Though I’m sure her team will concoct something truly nuts, a dress made of her own internal organs would be quite the statement.

4. White House Changes Things Up:

Some guy named Rahm wants to be the sausage king of Chicago or wants to sing Danke Schoen in a parade or something.

Thanks, entertainment media, for ruining fall with more Speidi!

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