TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 9, 2010)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  New Jimmy Smits Legal Drama Goes on Production Hiatus:

I like Jimmy Smits, though I don’t know exactly why.  I couldn’t even tell you what stuff he’s been in that made me like him or that I’ve even seen, for that matter.  He’s like that guy from high school that you run into at a concert that you remember liking, and you talk for maybe 15 minutes but you can’t remember how you knew him and you can’t recall actually hanging out with the dude back in the day.

Which makes it slightly sad for me that Jimmy Smits’ new legal drama, Outlaw, has been put on production hiatus, but not really sad because it’s another frigging legal drama.  I’m pretty sure that every possible plot line has been covered by one of the hundreds of Law & Order spinoffs, or one of the other dozens of legally-themed shows that have run in the past 30 years.  Unless Smits wants to appear in some completely original legal series like Space Barristers, with the tagline “Lawyers to the Stars,” or “They’re raising the bar—into space!” I’m not interested.  UPDATE: I just googled “space barristers” and it seems like someone beat me to it.  Please, TV, just give up on the legal stuff.  Everything’s been done.

With hair like this, you'll never be out of work. If you're a dude.

2. Hair Changes Everywhere:

Keira Knightley has debuted a new hair cut, which could somehow unbalance power in Hollywood, or at least make her more or less likely to appear on the cover of OK! Yes, folks, this is a news story worthy of your time, because cuteness/sexiness of an actress’s hair is a direct indicator of her worth as a person.  Actors, not so much.  They can have any amount of hair, from the UPS commercial guy to Michael Chiklis, and still get work.  Look at Jake Gyllenhaal, who decided to grow a beard.  OMG!  He could now play almost every part in Prince of Persia!  If Keira Knightley grew a beard, she’d never hear the end of it.

Don’t worry: TBTS will inform you when your on-screen obsessions choose acceptable hair arrangements so that you can resume loving and respecting those people you’ve never met, like you did when Brad Pitt finally shaved his beard (which was apparently grody) and thus became a completely new, tolerable human being.

3.  Bristol Palin’s Weight Discussed as Relates to Dancing With The Stars:

You may think that the entertainment press is super-excited about all the stories they could write about Bristol Palin’s weight gain or loss during her stint on DWTS.  Nope.  Instead, they’ve decided to write about the fact that her weight hasn’t changed.  Yes, from an interview where she talks about her famous mom, her dance partner, their moms meeting, working but not living in L.A., strenuous rehearsals, nervousness about performing, and her body shape not changing, the headlines all center around her “not losing weight.”  As Palin explains, she hasn’t stopped eating while she rehearses, which is a good thing given how many calories she burns every day.  Never fear, though, as soon as Palin gains or loses a pound, the narrative will switch to “Bristol Beefs Up Even on DWTS Diet!” or “Bristol Wastes Away To Nothing Trying to Win Dance Competition!”  See #2 above: sorry ladies, but you just can’t win.

4.  Nobel Prizes Awarded:

Super-smart people are winning prizes for doing things that help people.  Elitists.

Thanks, entertainment media, for making an issue out of a woman’s body not changing!