TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 16, 2010)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

Zolciak's new wealth has allowed her to buy new clothing, but unfortunately not buttons.

1.  Kim Zolciak Has Wardrobe Malfunction:

Last Monday’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta saw Kim Zolciak preparing to perform her super-awesome, totally innovative, talent-encrusted “Tardy for the Party” before a huge outdoor audience in Palm Springs.  (For realzies—listen to it and just try to stop your booty from bouncing to the completely synthesized vocals and beat!  If you remain still, and feel perhaps slightly nauseated, you’re probably one of those stuffy audiophiles who enjoy “good” music.)  While getting dressed for this Palm Springs White Party, Zolciak wore a strapless dress that simply could not contain her massive, enhanced chest.  She told her stylist that she would be “mortified” if she busted out in front of the crowd, but apparently not if she was in front of a camera while filming an episode that would be broadcast to millions of people with her nipples blurred for appropriateness until the “Uncensored” DVD comes out featuring Kim’s high-def ‘olas to sell more copies.  Then when people stop talking about her for a few months, she’ll probably have a short-lived, shocking-but-conveniently-timed revelation or relationship or whatever she feels will get her more airtime.  Oh, and after her top-side wardrobe malfunction, she had to have her dress pinned to her panties because it was flying up in wind gusts and people could see her shizzle.  Oh shy, shrinking violet Kim.  This is why you have captured our hearts!

2. Another Celebrity Twitter Spat:

Twitter has become the new, um, other place where celebrities bad-mouth each other.  Whether it’s Samantha Ronson vs. Lindsay Lohan, Scott Baio vs. Jezebel, or Courtney Love vs. everybody, nicely packaged 140-character blitzes seem to be the du-jour way to air your beef with someone.  And so it begins, with Chelsea Handler hearing about Nick Cannon’s upcoming comedy tour and tweeting, “I just heard nick cannon is starting a comedy tour. Who’s going to do the comedy?”  A probably unprovoked, easy joke, and slightly funny.  Cannon responded, “Wow @chelseahandler I actaully used to have respect for you as a comic. But for one artist to diss another in the same art form. #Tasteless.”  That could have been that, but he couldn’t take it lying down.  Like his Nerf-tipped rebuttal to Eminem’s attacks on Mariah Carey, Cannon fired off a fusillade of boilerplate, roast-ish, shitty frat humor tweets that only validated Handler’s original comment.  Maybe they’ll both get the publicity they want and need out of this.  The rest of us get to roll our eyes or if we’re lucky, not even know about it in the first place.

4.  Jessica Simpson Has New Man:

J-Simps has become the tabloids’ new Jennifer Aniston.  They have become completely obsessed with her romantic relationships, which currently include but one lucky man, ex-NFL player Eric Johnson.  With almost every new story, though, the reader simply must be informed that Jessica has experienced heartbreak with Nick Lachey, Tony Romo, Adam Levine, Jude Law, Dane Cook, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, and untold other dashing but ultimately non-committal men.  Perhaps, though, like millions of other 30-year-olds, Simpson hasn’t yet found the right person to settle down with, or who wants to settle down with her—if that’s what she wants, or if she even knows what she wants.  Maybe she’ll settle down with one man, or several men, or a woman, or several women, or lots of men and women.  Maybe she’ll commune with nature and settle down with (or up in—ha!) a tree.  Maybe she’ll marry her favorite video game character.  Or—heaven forfend!—maybe she’ll never “settle down,” and be fine with not having a single, well-defined life partner.  Whatever she decides, it won’t have anything to do with the price of tea in China, which in the next couple decades will probably affect you far more than Jessica Simpson’s love life.

4.  Chilean Miners:

Tomlin said it beautifully in Thursday’s Index: these guys and everyone involved in their rescue are the truest reality stars, and we wish them well.  Y’all are my heroes.

Thanks, entertainment media, for giving another Kim the creative credit and publicity she so richly deserves!