Election Day Music Recommendations for your “Favorite” Politicians

That’s right, folks, it’s Election Day. Go vote against the ones you hate the most. It’s important and stuff.

Now, in light of the mind-boggling news that Republican presidential aspirant and evangelical stalwart Mike Huckabee recently voiced his very funny approval of the indie-metal band Torche on Fox News, I thought I’d take a moment to present some music recommendations to other prominent politicians on this fine Election Day.

Sharron Angle (Republican Senate candidate in Nevada) — Sharron should check out famed cellist Yo Yo Ma’s performance on the track “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” on Carlos Santana’s brand new album Guitar Heaven. In case anybody asks, I hope Sharron saves herself some embarrassment by remembering that Yo Yo Ma is the Asian one, and Carlos Santana is Latino. Gets a little tricky for Sharron sometimes.

Mitch McConnell (Republican Senator from Kentucky and current Senate Minority Leader) — Mitch would totally love anything by the Turtles. Because he’s a turtle.

OK, fine. It's a cheap joke. But the resemblance is uncanny, isn't it?

Nancy Pelosi (Democratic Congressional Representative from California and current Speaker of the House) — Nancy should take a trip down memory lane with Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” from the mega-millions-selling soundtrack to Titanic. After all, Dion’s overwrought schmaltz-fest is the theme song for a sinking ship, which of course is perfect for Pelosi’s current political prospects.

Rand Paul (Republican Senate candidate in Kentucky) — Rand should feel a natural affinity for Donna Summer’s 1983 hit “She Works Hard for the Money.” It’s a classic ode to the common working folk whose voice he claims to represent via the Tea Party. Better yet for Rand, assuming he wins his Senate race, he can do his best to make a lot of women work even harder for the money by gutting the federal government’s ability to enact things like anti-wage discrimination legislation. Stop, children, what’s that sound? Why, it’s the sweet music of social regression!

Charlie Crist (Independent Senate candidate in Florida) and John Boehner (Republican Congressman from Ohio and presumptive Speaker of the House if the Republicans win the House of Representatives) — Charlie and John are strange, orange men. You know who else were strange, orange men? The Oompa Loompas from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. That’s why Crist and Boehner should check out this compilation of the Oompa Loompas’ moralistic songs about nasty little boys and girls.

Michele Bachmann (Republican Congressional representative from Minnesota) — Michele should head to Minneapolis’ coolest local record shop—you know, the funky one that sells vinyl and smells like stems, seeds, and sadness. There I recommend she grab a random assortment of albums, take them home, and play them backwards. At least one of those evil platters will no doubt have messages designed to brainwash our children and grandchildren into becoming gay liberal Satanists. In the name of all that is holy or hilarious (depending on your perspective), go get ‘em, Michele!